NEW LIGHTS; 



SPIRITS UNBOTTLER 



A. CO 1S/L Si !D Y ITM FIVE] ^ O T S . 



All Rights Reserved. 



Copyrighted April 8th, 18*78. 



Published by the Atjthob, 1878. 



All persons are forbidden to publish, print, sell, per- 
form, or cause to be performed, this play 
without consent of the Author. 



NEW LIGHTS; 



OR, 



SPIRITS UNBOTTLED. 



.A. COMEDY ITST FIVE .A. O T S . 



All Rights Reserved. 



Copyrighted April 8th, 18*78. 



Published by the Author, 1878. 




All persons are forbidden to publish, print, sell, per- 
form, or cause to be performed, this play 
without consent of the Author. 









75ta* 
^ H^7 



TMP92-009218 



NEW LIGHTS 

OE, 

SPIRITS UNBOTTLED. 



A COMEDY IN FIVE ACTS. 



" Thus runs the world away." — Shakspeare. 



Act I. — "At the Oaks." — New Lights begin to glimmer. 

Act II. — The Servant of the Spheres pays a little of his 
attention to the Investigator. "Come, let us reason to- 
gether." 

Act III. — In the garden. — A new light shines with a lurid 
glare. 

Act IV. — "At Magnolia." — Mrs. Sniffen entertains angels 
unawares. 

Act V. — Dr. Mann as a special constable. " I am here for 
a purpose." 

An interval of two years between Acts HI. and 1 V. 



Abbreviations used. — E., (right); K. D., (right door) ; 
E. C, (right of centre); C, (centre); E. U. C, (right 
upper centre) ; L., (left) ; L. D., (left door) ; L. C. (left of 
centre) ; L. U. C, (left upper centre) ; D. 0., (down centre) ; 
U. 0., (up centre); A., (arch); L. 1 E., (left first 
entrance) ; L. 2E., (left second entrance) ; 1 v., (first vase) ; 
2 v., (second vase); W., (window); C. A., (centre arch); 
E. A., (right arch) ; L. A., (left arch). 



DRAMATIS PERSONS. 



Professor Confucius Crowell, a Servant of the Spheres. 

Judge Erly, an Investigator. 

Reginald Erly, Heir to ' ' The Oaks. " 

Voltaire Darwin, a Genuine Medium. 

St. Elmo Sniffen, the ' ' Royally Endowed. " 

Thomas, Servant at " The Oaks." 

Romeo, Colored Servant at "Magnolia." 



Frederica Mann, M.D., A Self-made Man. 
Mrs. Erly, a Veritable Martyr. 
Daisy Lorimer, a Little Nobody. 
Nina Dare, Judge Erly's Ward. 
Mrs. Sniffen, a Woman of Sentiment. 
Ellen, a Lady Help. 

Angelica. Celestia Sniffen, the " Bud of Promi- 
Walking ladies and gentlemen. 



COSTUMES AND PROPERTIES. 



Crowell. — Worn and ill-fitting black clothes. Crushed 
beaver hat. Turned down shirt collar and loose tie. Hair 
brushed back from a bald forehead and worn very long. 
Octagonal rimmed spectacles. A couple of valises with 
books, photographs, a bottle, " planchette," etc. Picture of 
a " Spirit-Bride," and a map of a "Plan of the Universe" 
mourted on rollers. Silver spoons in valise for Act III. 
Linen coat Act III. Second Costume (Act V.). Same as 
before, with flowered velvet waistcoat, bright-colored neck- 
handkerchief, large button-hole bouquet, yellow gloves and 
gaudy handkerchief added. 

Reginald Ekly. — Riding costume, with top-boots, whip 
or cane, hat, gloves, etc. Second Costume (Act II). Home 
costume. Revolver ready for Act III. Third Costume {Act 
IV.). Travelling costume. Hat, gloves, etc. Fourth 
Costume (Act V.). Evening dress. 

\ Judge Ebly. — Flowered dressing-gown ; slippers ; skull- 
cap. Second Costume (Act III.). Long fur coat ; fur cap. 
Third Costume (Act IV.). Travelling costume. Fourth 
Costume (Act V .). Evening dress. 

Voltaire Daewin. — Tall, pale, and somewhat wild-look- 
ing. Hair worn long. Black clothes. Turned-down collar 
and loose tie. Gloves, cane, slouched sombrero. 

St. Elmo. — Evening dress. Hair in long curls. 

Thomas. — Servant's livery. 

Romeo. — Dress of a colored servant at the South. 

Fkedekica Mann. — "Wears a blonde wig of short curling 
hair. Coat, vest, trousers and short skirt of gray cloth, em- 



broidered with blue. Ruffled shirt. Blue tie. Handker- 
chief, gloves, cane, etc. Ladies' riding . hat or boy's straw 
hat. Cigar-case, note-books, circulars, cards, etc. Second 
Costume (Act IV.). Suitable for " half -mourning*" Third 
Costume (Act V.). Trousers, skirt, and cut-away coat of 
blue satin. Vest of white satin embroidered with silver. 
Lace ruffles, diamond pin, handkerchief, button-hole bou- 
quet, gloves, etc. Blue silk hose, shoes with straps and 
buckles. A pair of handcuffs ready for Act V. 

Daisy Loeimeb. — White silk grenadine dress. Scarlet 
flowers in hair. Mantilla or scarf of white lace fastened to 
hair with flowers, or jeweled pin may be worn in the garden 
scene Act III. A letter ready in Act II. Second Costume 
{Act IV.). Simple but elegant mourning. 

Nina Dabe.— Rich home costume. Changes of dress in 
Acts II. and III. if desired. Second Costume (Act IV.). Tra- 
velling dress. Third Costume (Act V.). Full evening 
dress and rich jewelry. 

Mbs. Sniffen. — House costume. Eye-glasses. Fan. 
Handkerchief. Second Costume (Act V.) Full evening 
dress. 

Mbs. Eel y. — Home costume. Carries a watch. Knitting- 
work. 

Ellen. — Wig of red or auburn hair. Cambric dress with 
apron and cap coquettishly worn. Dusters, etc. Second 
Costume (Act IV.). Travelling dress. Third Costume 
{Act V.). Full evening dress and rich jewelry. 

Angelica Celestia. — White dress. Colored Sash. Hair 
in long braids. Second Costume (Aot V.). Evening dress 
of lace and muslin worn over silk. Silk hose, kid slippers, 
handkerchief, fan, gloves, etc. 

[Walking ladies and gentlemen in evening dress.] 



ACT I. 

Scene. — A drawing room at " The Oaks.'" Conservatory at 
rear, visible through arch. Practicable fire- place (b.), 
Cabinet with bric-a-brac (l.). Table with chairs placed 
beside it (l. c). Sofa (e. u. a). Easy chair in front 
of fire-place. Bell-rope (l.) Chairs, pictures, vases, etc. 
Small table in corner (l.). 
Pbopebties. — Thermometer on wall (l.). China pitcher and 
Japanese fans on mantel (■&.). Books on table, toriting 
materials etc. (l. a). Punch bowl, bottles; a salver 
with food and rich coffee service ready for Thomas at 
right entrance. Warming-pans, bottles, etc., ready for 
Ellen at right entrance. 
As curtain rises, Ellen is discovered dusting ornaments on 
mantel. 

Ellen (e.) — There now ! everything's as bright as hands 
can make it, and yet I'll be bound the old tomcat'll find 
something or other to have particular fits about. I just wish 
I had the training of him for a while, the irritating, aggravat- 
ing, cantankerous old bull-frog ! 
{Enter Thomas l. c] 

Thomas (l. d.). — Going it again like a tempest in a coal- 
scuttle, be you, Miss Prandergast ? I say it's lucky there 
ain't no ducking-stools for scolds nowadays. 

El. (e. a). — Hain't I got reason to scold, with an old 
hypo, for a master, and nobody but a fool like you to keep 
company with ? 

Thos. — I may be a fool, but I tell you what — the mas- 
ter is a man what knows how to keep the whip-hand of a 
woman. 



10 

El. — The old vampire, a-worrying the poor mistress 
into an unseemly grave ! If he was under my thumb, 
Thomas, he wouldn't feel so chipper! I'd like to see the 
man — Turk or Chinee — that would dare to trample on me ! 

Thos. — 1 always did admire you for your spunk, Ellen, 
and if you'll only name the happy day 'twill suit you to be- 
come Mrs. Thomas Green, you'll make sure of having your 
own way in everything for the rest of your days. 

El. — I'd have to be a sight greener than I am now. I let 
you know, Mr. Thomas, that I look much higher. [Struts 
about making her short goicn trail.] I feel it in me to trail 
my silks and satins, and, like as not. to splash you with my 
carriage mud. 

Thos. — Ain't I as good as you be, Ellen ? We're fellow- 
servants. 

El. — You needn't Ellen me, Mr. Green, for my name 
takes a Miss before it as well as another ; and as for my be- 
ing a servant, I call myself a lady help. 

Thos. — You've encouragited me, many's the occasion I 
could name. Come now, kiss and make up. [Approaches 
nearer.] 

El. — As if I'd let the likes of you kiss me, Mr. Impu- 
dence ! 

[Thoma.s appears to struggle for a kiss, and Ellen to resist 
him. ] 

Thos. — [Jumping about] Ouw ! ouw ! You gave me an aw- 
ful dig, you spit-fire ! You red-head ! Ouw ! ouw ! 

El. — Ha ! ha ! ha ! Koses has thorns, Mr. Thomas ! But, 
hush ! here comes master. 

[Enter Judge Ekly (l. d.).] 

Judge Ebly (l. u. a.). — What is the meaning of this dis- 
turbance ? I shall discharge you from my service for your 
disgraceful conduct, young woman. 

El. — [Sobbing] Indeed, it wasn't my fault. He — he — 
tried to — to kiss me ! 



11 

Thos. — And she digged me awful, sir ; she's got a nasty 
temper. 

Judge. — [Crossing R. and seating himself near fire-place] 
I wish she had scratched your eyes out. Go directly for my 
lunch, you unconscionable idiot ! 

[Exit Thomas (l. d.).] 

Ellen, you may inform Mrs. Erly 

El. (l. u. a). — That you're wanting a little of her atten- 
tion ? Yes, sir; I'll tell her, sir. [Exit l. d.]. 

Judge. — The saucy baggage! How in thunder did she 
know what I was about to say ? [As if in pain] Oh ! o-h ! 
my poor fluttering heart ! JNo one knows what I have to en- 
dure, for I never complain. 

[Enter Mes. Ekly, l. d.] 

Mes. Eely (c). — Have they made you quite comfortable, 
my dear ? 

Judge. — Comfortable ? The house as cold as a barn, and 
the servants off, no one kno\s where. Because I never 
complain, you all think that I need no attention. 

[Mes. Ekey seats herself 'l. c. and takes out knitting.] 

Mes. E. — Is there anything I can do for you, my dear ? 

Judge. — Nothing, except to give me a few minutes of your 
attention. Where is Rex ? I've come down for the sole 
purpose of having a serious talk with the boy. 

Mes. E. — Hex went riding with Miss Lorimer more than 
two hours ago ; I dare say they will soon be here. 

Judge. — With Miss Lorimer ! Blood and thunder, ma'am ; 
this thing must be put a stop to ! Suppose Rex should take 
it into his head to fall in love with Miss Lorimer ? 

Mes. E. — Of course, there would be serious objections 
to 

Judge. — Serious objections ! Fiends and furies, ma'am, if 
he should take a notion to marry the girl, it would be stark, 
staring ruin ! 

Mes. E. — After all, my dear, we have no control over 
Rex, and 



12 

Judge. — No control ! We can pack Miss Daisy Lorimer 
off, ma'am, bag and baggage, before the boy makes an idiot 
of himself ! But here comes the young rascal now. 

{Enter Reginald Erly through a.] 

Reginald (d. a). — I am pleased to see you in the drawing- 
room, my dear uncle. 

Judge. — The deuce you are ! Sit down, sir; I've some- 
thing serious to say to you. 

Keg. — [Aside] Then it's sure to be disagreeable, \_8eats 
himself near Judge.] 

Judge. — Ahem ! You aunt tells me, Rex, that you have 
been out riding with Miss Lorimer again ? 

~Rkg.— [Aside] I'm in for it! [Aloud] I have had 
that pleasure, sir. 

Judge. — Now, Rex, it won't do— it won't do ! 

Reg. —What will not do, sir ? 

Judge. — This paying attention to Miss Lorimer. It will 
put notions in her head. You'll have her falling in love 
with you. 

Reg.— I'm sure I've no objections. 

Judge. — What, you young villain! Daisy is too nice a 
little girl to be made 'a fool of. 

Reg. — I agree with you, sir. 

Judge. — You can't marry her — you know that. She's a 
mere nobody without family or fortune — no prospects but 
to bundle to the almshouse when her mummy of a gra-jd- 
marm dies. 

Reg. — I have made up my mind to marry her if she will 
accept me. 

Judge. — Are you mad? Do you suppose that Nina Dare 
is^ going to refuse you? Or have you forgotten that, 
according to the imbecile condition of your father's drivel- 
ling will, you are bound to propose to her within six 
months ? 

Reg. — Or forfeit a fortune to be shared with her. I pre- 



13 

fer the alternative. Possibly my father had a right to 
enrich whom he pleased, but he certainly had no right to 
dispose of my hand. 

Judge. — If you persist in this folly, you'll be a poor pen- 
niless devil all your days. 

Reg. — Not so bad as that. I shall still be owner of "The 
Oaks. " Then there are the family diamonds — and the plate. 
And you forget my profession, uncle. Am I not a rising 
young lawyer ? 

[Enter Nina Daee through a.] 

Judge. — Come, sir, no more of this idle talk. You must 
forget your puppy love and marry your father's heiress. 

Reg. — Never! I have no regard for Nina. I am sus- 
picious of her past lif e. I dislike the sort of people of whom 
she makes her friends and confidants. Would you have me 
marry such a woman rather than make the pecuniary sacri- 
fice my honor demands ? 

Judge. — Then strychnine her coffee if you've got the nerve 
to do it, and I swear I'll tell no tales ! [CougJis.] 

Nina (d. a). — Am I the subject of dispute as usual? 
[Seats herself near Mes. Ebly.] 

Mbs. E. — Dear ! dear ! how much trouble there is in this 
world ! 

[Enter Ellen, b. d., holding door closed as if trying to keep 
some one back.'] 

El. — Such queer folks, and they would follow me to the 
drawing room ! 

[Knocking at the door.] 

Some sort of a self-made man, I reckon, and an agent. 

Judge. — Turn 'em out, you imbecile ! Aren't my orders 
that agents shall not be admitted to the house at all ? 

El. — But they say they will see Miss Dare. 

[The door is opened and Ellen pushed, rudely aside.] 

[Enter Peofessob Ceowell first, and De. Mann second, 

E. D.] 



14 

Ni. — [Rising] I have business with these people, and will 
receive them elsewhere. 

Keg. — [Aside] Business ! [ Takes a book from table and 
seats himself l. 'u. c] 

Judge. — Who the Devil are you, intruding yourselves 
into a gentleman's drawing-room in this shameless manner ? 

Prof. Ceo well. — [Bowing profoundly] My good friend, 
why adjure us in the name of an Antiquated Myth of a 
Fossilized Theology ? Let us reason together. [Puts his 
valises under sofa.] 

Dr. Mann. — To be sure! the devil, indeed! Why, man 
alive, the fish-god of India is quite as respectable. 

Judge. — I want to know your business here. 

Dr. M. — [Handing circular] Permit me to introduce my- 
self : Frederica Mann, Electro-magnetic and Common-sense 
Physician, as you will see by my circular. The gentleman 
who accompanies me is Professor Confucius Crowell, also a 
Healer of the flesh. 

[Seats herself r. tipping chair back to the wall and placing 
hat on the floor beside her.] 

Prop. C. — You see in me, my good friend, an humble 
servant of the spheres, (d. o.) I lift up my voice as a 
Vindicator of the Truth, and an Emancipator of the Creed- 
bound. I come to bid you one and all be free ! Shake off 
the manacles of those Giant Opposers to Progress, Super- 
stition and Prejudice ! Why longer cling to Eotten Sys- 
tems, tamely submitting to be mineral-drugged and priest- 
ridden? Am I obscure, or are ye, O my hearers, obtuse? 

Judge. — I insist upon knowing your business here. You 
may be people of the worst possible repute — indeed, I think 
it highly probable that you are. 

Dr. M. — Old gentleman, our business is with Miss Dare. 

Prop. C. — [Bowing profoundly] I believe we are addressing 
ourselves to her guardian, Judge Erly, surrounded by his 
amiable family ? 



15 

Judge. — Humph.! deuced amiable! You say that you 
have business with Miss Dare, young woman. "Wherever 
did my ward make your acquaintance ? 

Dr. M. — Maplewood Academy, some five years ago. I 
was then Fred. Lawless, a young orphan pupil, paying my 
way by teaching the terpsichorean art and calisthenics. 

Judge. — Humph ! Were you permitted to wear your pre- 
sent nondescript attire while at Maplewood ? 

[During the following conversation Professor takes a small 
stand from the left corner, seats himself with it (l.c.) and 
makes it tip as if in answer to imaginary questions. Becomes 
excited and pushes it about the room in a lively manner, fol- 
lowed by Ellen, who finally captures and replaces it.~\ 

Dr. M. — By no means. Mrs. Grundy was omnipotent at 
the Academy. Now I go in for comfort and don't care a 
square-toed pope for the opinions of all creation. 

Judge. — You were a single woman at that time, I take it? 

Dr. M. — Just so, and have been married and widowed since 
— my luck ! You see, when I left Maplewood I invested all 
I had in a kindergarten. It was a great success. Children 
made rapid progress, parents delighted, press enthusiastic, 
and so on ! But, unfortunately it was a failure financially. 
I burned a few more holes in my pockets trying experiments, 
then took a ticket in the matrimonial lottery. 

Judge. — [Aside] Humph ! an adventuress. 

[Enter Thomas candying salver (r. d.).] 

Dr. M. — I drew a prize. The late doctor and your humble 

were as happy as turtle-doves and all that sort of thing, but 

the man had to up and die. Financially, my marriage was 

a failure ; my good husband left me nothing but his practice. 

Thos.— Your lunch is served, sir. [Places salver on table.'] 

[Professor and Judge approach table.] 

Dr. M. — I've no grounds for complaint, however. Finan- 
cially, my profession is a success. I've an army of patients 
in Boston. 



16 

Judge. — Humph ! an army in the grave-yards, more likely. 
Dr. M.— Ha ! ha! ha! I see you must have your little 



Judge. — The meat is a mess — a villanous mess ! If I had 
my strength, I'd horse- whip the cook within a hair's breadth 
of his life. How often have I told the black rascal that meat 
tastes like a mouse — precisely like a mouse, stewed in this 
diabolical fashion. 

[Exit Thomas (e. d.).J 

Peof. C. — [Eating the meat.] It is indeed very like mouse. 

Judge. — What the devil do you know of the flavor of a 
mouse, sir ? [Grosses to his seat (e.).] 

Peoe. C. — Everything. I once ran an eating house for the 
benefit of the starving poor of a great city. I served delicious 
and nutricious stews of cat, rat, mouse, dog and horse flesh, 
for a mere song. But, my good friend, prejudice is a curious 
thing. 

De. M. — [Crossing to table] A mob threatened Confucius, 
and the polios closed up the philanthropical concern. Pity ! 
for it promised to be a great success financially. 

Peof. C. — But the world moves, my good Dr. Mann, the 
world moves. 

De. M. — I'll wager my last dollar that you're a dyspeptic, 
Judge Erly. 

Judge. — Humph ! You've no understanding of my case 
whatever, ma'am. I am the victim of an affection of the 
heart; I believe it to be ossification, a disease but little 
understood by the ordinary physician. Ah ! nobody knows 
what I suffer, for I am one of that sort of people who never 
complain. 

De. M. — [Poking at food with her walking stick] My 
pet hobby is dietetic reform. Why, bless you, man, your 
heart is all right — it's your liver. Now here's pastry ! Faugh ! 

Peof. C. — [Eating the pastry] Pastry is by no means in- 
jurious to all constitutions. 



17 

Dr. M. — Why eat meat at all? — you're not a ghoul. As 
for coffee, it's slow poison. 

Prof. C. — [Drinking the coffee] Very slow. I shall 
continue to be a lingering suicide. 

Dr. M. — [Crossing to seat (r.)] Graham cakes, prunes, 
oat-meal is the food that you want. I'd have you as sound 
as a button in no time if you'd obey my orders. 

Judge. -Ma'am, I'd as soon think of consulting with a cat 
as a female physician. Do you belong to the regular medi- 
cal faculty, Professor Crowell ? 

Dr. M. — Oh, Confucius is regular enough ! Bought a 
diploma of a Philadelphia broker once on a time. Excuse 
me, Crowell ; one of the little jokes I must have. 

Prof. C. — Sir, I am no ordinary physician bound by the 
legends of a murderous practice. On the contrary, I am 
bitterly opposed to the Calomel Poisoners and Blood-letting 
Vampires of the Old School, college-bred and diplomatized 
though they may be. Of what avail is the learned ignorance 
of the foolish ? The Regulars, jealous of our successes, are 
seeking through tyrannous laws to bind the hands of the 
Inspired Healer with manacles of iron. 

Judge. — Am I to understand that you are what is called a 
Medium — a Clairvoyant ? 

Prof. C. — I am, sir. The most carefully guarded secrets 
of nature are revealed to me when my mind is held in apogee 
by my Medicine Band. I, and such as I, are the Precursors 
of the Doom of Bigotry, the Forerunners of the lifting of the 
Veil of Mystery, the Harbingers of New Lights. What has 
Orthodoxy done for this world, sir ? Let us reason together. 
Orthodoxy has kept the Spirits of the Departed bottled up 
for centuries, and hermetically sealed. I come to tell you 
they are free — as free as light, as free as air, sir. They 
float about us sympathizing with our griefs, and sharing our 

joy- 

Judge. — That's a beautiful belief. 



18 

Pbof. C. — It isn't belief, it's knowledge. We don't believe 
anything, we know. It's your orthodox folks who demand 
heads full of credulity. Are you conscious of the 'fact, sir, 
that the spirit of a Beautiful Woman is hovering above your 
head at this very moment ? 

Judge. — [Starting] What the devil ! you don't tell me 
so. 

Pbof. C. — And I count six other disembodied spirits in 
this room at this very moment. Ah ! truly, my good friend, 
we must soar on the wings of the inspirational, if we would 
pierce the impenetrable. 

Reg. (d. c). — You insult our understandings, sir. 

Pbof. C. — [Facing Reginald] A — ha! young man, I read 
you ! You would make of yourself a stumbling-block to trip 
up the Would-be Investigators of Truth — those Infant Giants 
in the Divine Arcana of Thought. 

Dr. M. — Come, come, good folks, let's all keep our tem- 
pers ! No use in getting excited. [Taking out cigar-case.] 
Is there any objection to my smoking? 

Reg. — Most assuredly, madam. There is a lady in the 
room — my aunt, Mrs. Erly. 

Ni. — [Aside] Insolence ! 

Db. M. — Ha ! ha ! ha ! You object to the coming woman, 
Erly? 

Reg. — I pray that she may be kept back as long as possi- 
ble. 

Pbof. C. — hoary prejudice ! 

Judge. — I was about to remark, Professor Crowell, that, 
deeply as I am interested in the phenomena of spiritualism, 
I have never before met with a medium of any sort. 

Pbof. C. — Is it possible ? But the truth is spreading. We 
Mediums, more correctly called Sensitives, will soon perme- 
ate this globe from pole to pole — "From Greenland's icy 
mountains," to " India's coral strand," to quote the poet. 

Judge. — Are you what is called a materializing medium ? 



19 

Pbof. C. — I am, sir. In my Magnetic Aura, Spirits are 
able to clothe themselves iu visible physical substance. 

Keg — [Aside] Now I am able to place the rascal. 
[Aloud] I have read of you, Professor Crowell, in that 
extraordinary paper — *' The Waving Banner of Progress." 

Prof. C. — [Walking about] Then you know that my 
Materializing Circles were attended with fame and honor. 
The Spirit of Theodore Parker used to issue from my cabi- 
net and dis course learnedly on Biology and Mesmerism, 
while an Eastern Dancing Girl would move among the audi- 
dience, tinkling bells and rattling castanets, with playful 
coquetry. Mrs. McHomery, an Irish lady, was fond of 
dancing to the music of our blind organist ; and our most 
frequent visitor — a Brave known as Bed Earth — used to 
startle my audiences by rushing out and performing the war 
dance to the most blood-thrilling whoops. Drums would 
beat, trumpets sound, violins and tambourines float overhead, 
while Spirits busied themselves in materializing beautiful 
garments out of the common air. 

El. — [Aside] La ! They might have as well materialized 
you some decent clothes while they was about it. 

Pbof. C. — I have in one of my valises an exquisite gos- 
samer shawl of spirit manufacture. 

Judge. — And where were you during these manifestations 
Professor ? 

Prof. C. — Where was I ? In my cabinet, sir ; fastened to 
my seat with ropes, hand-cuffs on my wrists, a plaster over 
my mouth, and my head tied up in a canvas bag. 

Judge. — Humph ! that must have been deucedly unpleas- 
ant! 

Prof. C. — Not in the least, my good friend. At such 
times I am unconscious, lost in a deep and happy trance. 

Beg. — [Facing Professor] But on one occasion— as 
"The Waving Banner of Progress" admitted — a light was 
suddenly turned on the stage, when you were discovered per- 
sonating the Indian Chief. 



20 

Prof. C. -[Grasping Reginald] Ahem ! young inan, 
permit me to explain that little unpleasantness. On the eve- 
ning in question, I was surrounded by a clique of unfriendly 
physicians, whose will-power, united to that of some Diakkas 
or Evil Spirits, overcame my will and the power of my Angel 
Band, and forced me on that one occasion to personate a 
Spirit. My enemies have made a great handle of the unfor- 
tunate occurrence to accuse me of fraud. 

Keg. — An ingenious explanation, truly. 

Prof. C. — You doubt it, perhaps ? Now see here, young 
man, can you limit the undefinable ? Can you seek the un- 
searchable ? Ah ! truly, if we would pierce the impenetrable 
we must soar on the wings of the inspirational. 

Ni. — [Rising] I must remind you of the flight of time, 
Dr. Mann, and that I am ready to receive you and Professor 
Crowell elsewhere. 

Dr. M. — [Rising] Very good. Time is precious to busy 
folks. I lecture before the Woman's Suffrage Society in 
your little town, this evening, good friends, and should ad- 
mire to see any of you present there. 

Judge. — A moment of your attention, Professor. Can you 
make it convenient to call in upon me, say to-morrow ? I 
should like to have you make an examination of my heart 
and lungs. 

Prof. C. — [Taking a bottle from valise] Most assuredly , 
my good friend, most assuredly. 

Keg. — [Apart] My dear uncle, this Crowell is a rascally 
impostor. 

Judge. — [Pettishly] Pray, mind your own business, Reg- 
inald. 

Ni. — We are waiting for you, Professor Crowell ! 

Prof. C. — One moment, Miss. [Presenting Bottle.] In 
taking my leave, Judge Erly, allow me to present you with a 
bottle of the Lung Healer, magnetized by Mrs. A. B. Sell. 

Dr. M. — And let me give you a little good advice. If you 



21 

want to make a man of yourself, quit this trick of dosing. 
As a witty physician has said : Pour all the medicines into 
the sea, and it would be a good thing for humanity, but a 
bad thing for the fishes. 

Judge. — Ma'am, I want you to leave my house without de- 
lay. 

Dr. M.— {Retiring a little up] You should breathe the 
fresh air, and exercise daily. 

Judge. — A very objectionable female ! Ring the bell for 
Thomas, Ellen ! Now, ma'am, will you leave my house ? 

Dr. M. (r. u. c.).— Ha ! ha ! ha ! Let's all keep our tem- 
pers. I was about to add that you must think less of your- 
self, Judge Erly, and more of others. Unselfishness is the 
best remedy for your sort of ossification of the heart. 

Judge. — [Rising angrily] Clear out instantly, woman ! 

Dr. M. (r. d.) — Ha! ha! ha! Nothing really ails you, ex- 
cept that you are bilious and jaundiced from laziness and 
gormandizing. 

[Judge seizes pitcher from the mantel.] 

{Enter Thomas (l. d.).] 

Mas. Erly. — [Springing up'] O Rex, Rex, don't let your 
uncle throw my Wedgewood pitcher! 

Judge. — Now, woman, will you clear out? 

Reg. — [ Wresting pitcher from Judge and handing it to 
Mrs. E.] Give it to me, uncle. 

Mrs. E. — [Caressing pitcher'] Such a rare specimen. 
Date seventeen hundred and fourteen and a genuine Flax- 
man design. 

Judge. — [Furiously] The only thing on earth that con- 
founded woman loves is her china. Let me get at it. [Strug- 
gles with Reginald.] I'll smash the entire collection and 
grind the bits to powder. I'll cure her of the ceramic craze 
if it's my last living act. O— h ! my heart, my heart. [Stif- 
fens back.] 

El. — [Aside] La! his rage is driving him mad in 
earnest. 



22 

Mrs. E. — What shall we do, Bex— it's a fit ? 
Thomas. — Don't you fret yourself, ma'am, me and Master 
Keginald '11 get him into bed. 

[Exeunt Judge, Reginald, Mes. E., Thomas and Ellen, 

L. D.] 

Dr. M. (d. c.) — Pheugh ! — That's a breezy old party. 
Manages to keep things pretty lively here, doesn't he ? 

Ni. — I suppose this was intended for a business interview, 
Frederica, and I cannot imagine why you should have in- 
truded yourself into the presence of my guardian aud his 
family to disgrace me by your buffoonery. 

Dr. M> — Ha! ha! ha! I couldn't resist stirring the chol- 
eric old sinner up a little, 'twill do him good ! He's uglier 
than the theological Devil. 

Ni.— I wrote requesting you to send Professor Crowell to 
me ; but I'm not aware that I asked you to accompany him. 

Dr. M. — No, you neglected to do so. I noticed the omis- 
sion. However, it didn't matter, I had my own reasons for 
desiring to be present at this interview, 

Ni. — Is there anything strange in it that I should desire to 
see the man who is to be Voltaire's companion in Europe ? 

Dr. M. — Nonsense! You had some other motive than a 
desire to see Confucius. 

Ni. — I meant to arrange with the Professor to keep me 
informed of his own and his companion's movements 
during the next few years. 

Prof. C. — And why not ? Let us reason together. 

Dr. M. — \_Angrily~] No doubt youre willing to betray your 
benefactor if you can make a good thing of it, but I object 
to your playing spy on Voltaire Darwin for any one's ben- 
efit. 

Ni. — Hush ! You need not proclaim that name in so loud 
a fashion. Words have wings, and we cannot always bound 
their flight. 

Dr. M. — If I could but convince Voltaire of your villany, 



23 

Confucius. I'd soon quash this precious scheme of yours of 
tramping over Europe with him at his expense. 

Prof. C. — No doubt your intentions are excellent, my good 
Dr. Mann ; but, you see, Voltaire has been advised by his 
spirit friends. 

Dr. M. — Spirit fiddle-de-dees ! Talk as man to man, and 
don't waste twaddle on me. I can't prevent you fastening 
yourself on Voltaire to fatten on his fortune ; but I mean 
to see to it that Mistress Dare plots no new injury against 
him, with you for an unscrupulous tool. 

Ni. — Heroics become you, Frederica ; it is quite your 
role. But your infatuation for a man who never regarded 
your affection renders you absurdly suspicious. 

Dr. M.— I'm not fool enough to expect you to understand 
a disinterested attachment, at all events. 

{Enter Ellen, r. d., carrying dottles, warming-pa?i, etc.] 

El. (r. u. a). — The master is took very bad. Wants 
hot-water bottles, mustard plasters, warming pans, and I 
don't know what all. {Grosses l. tj. c] 

{Enter Thomas, r. d., carrying a bowl, etc.] 

Tho. (r. u. c). — And a whisky -punch to make him per- 
spire and put him to sleep. 

El. — La! I wish 'twould make him sleep permanent. 
{Exit L. D.] 

Ni. — Why do you disturb us ? What business have yon 
passing through the drawing-room, Thomas ? 

Tho. (l. u. a). — 'Cause, ma'am, the master wants the doc- 
tor brought to him immediate. 

Ni. — [Aside] I must see Crowell alone. [Aloud] Hadn't 
you better go and see what can be done for Judge Erly, Dr. 
Mann? 

Thos. — No, ma'am ; master said he didn't want the she- 
doctor, but the tother one. 

Prof. C— {Taking up valise] Judge Erly's a man of stu- 
pendous discernment. Fortunately I have a battery with me. 



24 

De. M. — [Slapping Professor on shoulder] That's right, 
Confucius, — manipulations spattings, and electricity will 
soon set the irascible old hypo on his legs again. 

[Exeunt Prof. C. and Thomas (l. d.).] 

Ni. — It will not surprise you to hear that I desire to see 
Voltaire before he leaves the country , Frederica. You must 
arrange for an interview. 

Dr. M. — Certainly, if such is your wish. [Aside] I'll con- 
trive to be present at it, however. 

Ni. — And now about another matter. I have made up my 
mind to marry Kex Erly. 

Dr. M. — More fool you! Let the boy refuse you — it's 
what he means to do — and you'll come into his forfeited for- 
tune. 

Ni. — But my position will be a much stronger one, if I am 
Mrs. Eeginald Erly in the eyes of the world. But there is 
a girl who stands in my way. 

Dr. M.— Oh, the plot thickens. I thought the amiable 
Bex to be invulnerable. Who is the charmer ? 

Ni. — Daisy Lorimer by name. A mere little nobody, poor 
as a nun, but beautiful as such beggars have need to be. 
She's a protege of Mrs. Erly, and on a visit here. Bex is 
wild about her — quite ready to throw up his fortune to 
marry her. 

Dr. M. — And what injury are you plotting her ? 

Ni. — None whatever. I simply want to know the facts of 
her past life. She's from Collinsville, an easy drive from 
here ; I want your assistance in tracing out her antecedents. 

Dr. M. — I can do it, if any one can. I believe you know 
that I served as a detective six months of my life. It was a 
great success financially, you'd better believe ; but I was 
driven from the field by masculine jealousy. 

Ni. — You see I suspect Miss Lorimer of another lover. 
She receives no end of illiterate scrawls to her evident annoy- 
ance. To-day, Thomas mailed a letter for her, and I took the 



25 

liberty of studying the address — "Mr. William Blight, Col- 
lins ville." 

Dr. M. — Blight ? Euphonious patronymic that ! 

Ni. — If I can make Bex believe that Daisy has another 
lover, he will be beside himself with jealousy — the Erly 
temper is something fearful. If she can't deny it in toto, 
on the spot, he will listen to no excuses or explanations. 

Dr. M. — Pooh ! pooh ! nonsense ! He'd soon get over his 
anger, and then he'd want to hear extenuating circumstances. 
There'd be a few tears and not a few kisses, and a making- 
up. You can't tell me ; I know human nature. 

Ni. — I should see to it that the future held no opportuni- 
ties for explanations. 

{Enter Prof. C. (l. d.).] 

Prof. C. (a). — Our honored patient is quite comfortable, 
ladies. I left him in the arms of sleep — balmy sleep. 

Ni. — Well, nobody supposed that he was dying. 

Dr. M. (r. d.). — Oh, such self-coddlers are pretty sure to 
live forever. 

{Exeunt Prof. C. and Dr. M. (r. d.).] 

Ni. — This is a dangerors game that I am playing. Begi- 
nald suspects something wrong ; but for all his boasted 
shrewdness I will outwit him. {Rises.'] Daisy Lorimer 
shall never rule at "The Oaks," nor wear the Erly 
diamonds. No, Miss Daisy, go back to your obscurity, and 
play your humble part in life as Mrs. William Blight. {Exit 
through a.] 

Curtain. 



26 



ACT II. 

Scene. — Same as for Act 1. Sofa moved to r. c. 

Properties. — A goblet and spoon on mantle. Blue dress- 
ing-gown ready for Thomas, right entrance. 
As curtain rises, Daisy Loeimer is discovered seated at 

table l. c. > 
Music plays softly during soliloquy. 

Daisy. — [Holding a letter in her hand] "What does pos- 
sess Billy Blight to write me so mauy letters ? It is extreme- 
ly annoying. [ With excitement] I am in a terribly false 
position, and all through my own fault. There is no good 
in denying to myself that ever since I have known Reginald 
Erly the very thought of Billy has been a horror to me. Dear, 
handsome Eex, he is my very ideal of what a lover should 
be! [Rises and walks about.] The present state of affairs 
is unendurable. 1 must write to Billy and tell him decidedly 
that I would rather die than marry him. How could I ever 
have endured the thought ? But I promised to please poor 
grandmamma ; she was so anxious about my future. Be- 
sides, I didn't love any one in those days, and it was all so 
different. [Examining letter.] What a terrible scrawl 
Billy writes, and how frightfully ungrammatical he is. 
[Beads.] " We all of us miss you awful. Ain't you com- 
ing home pretty soon ? Your grandma and me both think 
that you are making a dreadful long visit." I've half a mind 
to return him his letters corrected and punctuated ! [Beads.] 
"I feel terrible lonesome, and am coming after you if you 
don't come home pretty soon." O horrors ! Just imagine 
Billy Blight under the critical eye of Rex Erly. I wouldn't 
write to him at all if it were not for the fear that my silence 



27 

might bring him on here. [Heads.] " Your grandma and 
me was talking about you, and she says she wishes we could 
get married this fall, so that she could feel you was provided 
for before she dies. " Oh! o-h ! As if I wouldn't rather 
scrub floors for a living ! [Throws herself on sofa, despair- 
ingly.'] I believe I fairly hate Billy Blight, and yet he isn't 
to blnme, poor fellow ! [Starting up.] Oh, what a wicked, 
wicked girl I am ! 

[Enter Begin axd through A.] 

Beginaed (d. a). — Fortune favors me at last ! I find you 
alone. But why that sigh ? You look as if you had lost 
your last friend. No bad news, I hope ? 

Dai. — Oh, no ! only I'm cross. 

Beg. — That is news, certainly. And now, Miss Daisy, 
aren't you a rather small individual to monopolize the sofa ? 
Isn't there room enough for us both ? 

Dai. — [Laughing] May be so, Mr. Erly, only I object to 
being crowded. 

Beg. — [Seating himself beside her] Selfish child! Do 
you know that you have been very cruel to me of late ? 

Dai— Cruel? 

Beg. — You have known perfectly well that I had some- 
thing serious to say to you, and yet you have denied me all 
opportunity for speaking to you alone. 

Dai. — Oh, please do not say ifo 

Beg. — I have been wondering how I bhall endure life when 
you are gone, Daisy. 

Dai. — You, you mean — you think — that you will miss 
me? 

Beg. — [Taking her hand] Fearfully ! So much so that 
I shall soon be going after you. Shall I be welcome, Daisy 
dear ? Don't turn your head away, but look into my eyes, 
like a brave little woman, and tell me if I have been a con- 
ceited fool for believing that you love me ? 

Dai. — [Struggling to free herself] No, no, of course not, 



2H 

I love you dearly, with all my heart, Eex ; but there is some- 
thing that I must tell you. 

Reg. — You love me ! How sweetly the confession sounds 
from your dear lips, Daisy. [Places his arm about her.] You 
are very young, my darling, and ignorant of the world ; but 
I would not have it otherwise. Now I can feel certain that 
there has been no other lover before me. I want to be the first 
and the last. Why, I am of so jealous a nature, that I do 
not think I could ever wish to marry a girl who had once 
been engaged to some one else — who had ever thought of 
any other man as a possible husband. [Daisy starts up ex- 
citedly.] 

Dai. (l. a). — [Aside] How almost impossible he makes 
it for me to tell him the truth ! 

Reg. — [Starting up] What is it, Daisy ? Am not I the 
first ? Answer me. 

Dai. — [Clinging to him] The first whom I have ever 
loved ? Oh, yes, yes, you are, indeed ! But, Rex, you must 
listen to me. 

[The Judge is heard behind the scene, and Reginald and 
Daisy start apart.] 

Judge. — [Behind the scene.] Here, Thomas, you idiot ! 
Where the devil are you keeping yourself ? 

Reg. — My uncle is coming. Meet me in the garden at 
nine this evening, sweetheart, and 1 will hear what you have 
to say, and explain to you something of the present state of 
my own affairs. 

[Daisy seats herself near table.] 

[Enter Judge E. (l. d.).] 

Judge (a). — You here, Rex, and with Miss Lorimer? 
Humph ! Where is Nina ? Where's your aunt ? She knew 
that I was coming to the drawing-room, and that I should 
need a little of her attention. 

[Pulls bell-rope l., crosses e., and seats himself near fire- 



29 

Keg. — My aunt is not yet come down. [Seats himself on 
sofa.'] 

Judge. — I dare say not, I dare say not. Because 1 am 
one of that sort of people who never complain, she thinks I 
need no attention. No doubt she is down on her knees wor- 
shipping some monster China cat, or paying her devotion to 
a Florentine nautilus cup. She hasn't seen a sane moment 
since her great-aunt died, and left her the family bric-a-brac. 
Fayence, Majolica, Queen Anne tables, crocodile cups, idols, 
candlesticks, sconces, andirons, and the dsvil knows what 
all ! I wish the Jews had the rubbish ! [Enter Thomas l. 
d.] The men who invent such manias to meddle the nod- 
dles of silly women, deserve to be tied to the yard's arm, and 
whipped with a cat-o'-nine-tails. — Thomas, you lout ! 

Tho. (a). — Yes, sir. 

Judge. — This house is full of cold air. 

Tho. — I don't know where it can come from, sir, for 

Judge. — How dare you to answer me back, you blockhead ! 
[Enter Mrs. Ebly, l. d., and seats herself at table near 
DAisv.] If you don't know where the cold air comes from, 
go and find out — that's your business ! I'd take my oath on 
a stack of Bibles as high as Babel's tower that there's a door 
or window open somewhere about this house. You needn't 
open your insolent mouth to contradict me. 

[Enter Ellen (l. d.).] 

Tho. — (l.u.c.) [Running against Ellen] Master's in a. 
sweet humor. 

Judge. — Is that you, Ellen ? 

El. — Yes, sir. 

Judge. — I want to know how the mercury stands. I'll 
wager my head it's at the freezing point. 

El. — Eighty-two, sir. 

Judge. — Then some one has been breathing hot upon the 
thermometer to deceive me. Put it down on the floor, girl. 
Cold air is circulating about my feet. I wish, Rex, that you. 



30 

would give the carpenter orders to put up weather-strips at 
all the doors and windows. Mrs. Erly, can you pay me a 
little of your attention ? 

El. — (l. u. c.) [Aside] I'd like to pay you particular 
attention. 

Mrs. E. — Certainly, my dear. 

Judge. — Then pray bear in mind the hour for my medi- 
cine, if you regard such a subject as your husband's health 
worthy your attention. 

Mrs. E. — [Consulting watch] I have not forgotten it, 
my dear. 

Judge. — Humph ! I never dare rely over much on your 
memory. No doubt, it ought to be a woman's greatest hap- 
piness to minister to the wants of an invalid husband ; but 
you prefer to fiddle-faddle your time away on gew-gaws and 
gim-cracks. An interesting companion for an intellectual 
man, truly. 

El. — (l. u. a). [Aside] La! what a command of lan- 
guage he's got. [Enter Thomas first, and Dr. Mann second 
(r. d.).] La ! The self-made man again. 

Tho. (r. u. a). — Dr. Mann to see Miss Dare. 

Mrs. E. — You may inform Miss Dare, Thomas. She is 
not yet down. 

[Exit Thomas (l. d.).] 

Judge. — It was but yesterday that I ordered you from my 
house, Dr. Mann. 

Dr. M. — [Seating herself '(l. u. c.).] Oh, that's all right! I 
.took no offence ; I'm not one of the sort of folks who expect 
to be made a great fuss over. 

Judge. — [Aside] An outrageous young woman ! [Aloud'] 
Ellen, ring the bell for Thomas. Mrs. Erly, you are forget- 
ting the hour for my medicine. 

Mrs. E. — [Consulting watch] It still lacks a few minutes 
of the time, my dear. Ellen, hand the Judge the goblet 
from the mantel, [Ellen crosses (r.).] 



31 

Judge. — Humph ! You would have forgotten had not I 
reminded you. [Taking goblet from Ellen and sipping med- 
icine.'] Here, take the glass, you cat, and clear out! {Enter 
Thomas, l. d.] 

Dr. M. — [Aside] Aggravating old party ! I'd admire to 
give him a caning ! 

Judge. — I want my blue dressing-gown, dunder pate ! 
[Exit Thomas (l. d.).] As I cannot regulate the matter of 
heat in this house, I am obliged to accommodate myself to 
changes of temperature by varying the number of my gar- 
ments. At this very moment I have on three waistcoats and 
two dressing-gowns. 

Dr. M. — Ha ! ha ! ha ! A delightful bulbo-tuber arrange- 
ment. You can then peel yourself like an onion. 

Judge. — Woman ! 

Dr. M.— Let's all keep our tempers! One of the little 
jokes I must have. Very bad habit of mine, joking, I con- 
fess. 

Judge. — [Aside] Humph! A most objectionable female ! 
[Aloud] Ellen, the fire is dying out. 

El. — [Aside] I wish you was ! [Appears to stir the 
fire.] 

[Enter Thomas (l. d.).] 

Tho. (c.) — The blue dressing-gown, sir. Will you have it 
on? 

Judge. — Would you kill me, you murdering hound? I'll 
wager my neck you've just taken it out of some cursed damp 
hole of a closet. Hang it up before the fire. [Thomas hangs 
it over the back of a chair before fire. Exit Thomas r. d.] 

El. — [Aside] Oh la! what an old fuss, [lakes a fan 
from mantel and waves it slyly.] 

Judge. — Aha! I'm certain that I feel cold air stirring. 
I'm not to be deceived. My blood is as sensitive &* mercury. 

[Enter Thomas first, and Professor Crowell second, 

R. D.] 



32 
Tho. (r. u. c.) — Professor Confucius Crowell. 

R. D.] 

Prof. C. (c.)— Beloved friends, I come into your midst 
breathing the sweet influences of my Medicine Band. Let 
us enter together the Pantheon of Progress. We must soar 
on the wings of the inspirational if we would pierce the 
impenetrable. 

[Exit Ellen, l. d.] 

Keg. — [Apart] I know this man to be a wretched char- 
latan who has been indicted more than once for malpractice. 
I trust you will give up the idea of consulting him profes- 
sionally, my dear uncle. 

Judge. — Oh, you're like all the others, Rex. You think 
because I never complain that nothing really ails me. Now 
I am convinced that Professor Crowell, being a clairvoyant, 
will be able to tell me the causes of my great physical suf- 
ferings. 

Dr. M. — [ Walking about] No doubt about it, no doubt 
whatever ! By the way, Crowell, did I ever tell you of my 
little experience with the Spiritualists ? I fell in with some 
of them at Buffalo and developed myself as a Medium. 
Financially it was a great success. My specialty was taking 
casts of spirit hands. But one day luck changed. A paraf- 
fine mould tumbled out of my bag rather inopportunely, and 
I had some trouble in getting out of the small town I was in 
without a wumpus and a wow. 

Reg. — If I understand you, Dr. Mann, you confess your- 
self and Professor Crowell to be a pair of rascally swindlers. 

Dr. M. — Oh, a joke, Erly ! I must have my little jokes. 

Prop. C. — My Medicine Band, Judge Erly, is composed 
of several Spirits. Under the control of the Ex-Rev. Dr. 
Windmere Rush, I am able to give psychometrical delinea- 
tions of character. The true physician studies the mind as 
well as the body. 

Dr. M. — That's a sound doctrine. Mind is but a secre- 



tion of matter. There's no such thing as a soul among your 
advanced thinkers. Give the brain of your idiot deeper 
channelling, put in more phosphorus, and perhaps a pinch 
of sulphur, and you've got a Shakspeare. Or let the mole- 
cules take new shapes and currents of motion in the head of 
a villain and you've got a saint. 

Pbof. C. — In reading physical conditions, Judge Erly, I 
am inspired by the Spirit of the late Dr. Alonzo Otten- 
heimer. Ever since his translation he has been a pupil of 
Esculapius, who now presides over a Medical College in the 
Island Delphina. Through him I am a diagnostical clair- 
voyant. But I am not limited to the descriptional, I have 
also the prescriptional power. Without vanity, I may call 
myself the Many Gifted. As a remedial physician, I am 
governed by the Spirit of my Bride— the Beatified Aurelia. 
She has become deeply skilled in the nature of herb and 
vegetable properties under the tuition her Indian attendant, 
Little-Blue-Corn-Flower. 

Judge. — I think we'd better proceed to the clairvoyant 
examination of my physical condition, Professor, if you are 
ready to pay me your attention. 

Pbof. C. — [Seating himself in front of Judge] Let us 
seat ourselves, then, in philosophical harmony with the 
polarities of the magnetic principle. As I take your right 
hand in my left, so our vital mental spheres are attracted . 
toward each other. Will you oblige me, Dr. Mann, by 
reporting the diagnosis the late Dr. Alonzo Ottenheimer will, 
no doubt, soon enable me to give ? 

Db. M. (b.) — [Tipping her chair back and taking out note- 
book and pencil] Certainly, certainly ; anything to oblige. 

[Pause during which Pbofessob Ceowell appears to be 
entranced.] 

Pbop. C. — The Ex-Rev. Dr. Windmere Bush desires to 
utter an invocation. 

Reg. — My dear uncle, this is being carried too far ; I beg 
of you to interfere. 



34 

Judge.— [2^%] And I beg of you not to interfere. 

Prof. C. — We invoke the Force that we find in the Min- 
eral, Animal, and Vegetable Kingdoms. We petition that the 
teachers of orthodoxy may be shown that they are more 
ignorant than the Heathen whom they profess to enlighten. 
We beseech our Spirit Friends here present to accept our 
thoughts and carry them along the Milky Way. And now 
let us so elevate our souls that our electric current may be 
formed upon which their thoughts can be transmitted to us 
in return. 

Dr. M. — {With mock solemnity'] Second the motion. 

Prof. C.— O wonderful Spirit of Harmony ! the magnetic 
circles now blend. I behold a human organism clairvoy- 
antly, and am able to analyze all that is abnormal. The 
processes of the endosmosis and the exosmosis are not in a bal- 
anced condition. [Dr. Mann begins to write.] There is 
something wrong in the empire of the ganglionic juris- 
diction. I see disease of the medulla oblongata. The 
pneumognostic nerves are disturbed, and a shadow lies about 
the cordiac plexus. Alas! that faithful shadow indicates 
heart-disease. Now I behold the heart clearly. It is covered 
with calcareous excrescences which absolutely impinge on 
the lungs. [ With fearful contortions] The occult law of 
sympathy begins to work. I feel with another's conscious- 
ness. I can no longer remain under this control — my 
sensations are too horrible ! My heart palpitates ; my throat 
burns ; I itch, and am too feeble to scratch ; my hands and 
feet are cold as in death ; and my soul is overwhelmed with 
dark forebodings. Oh ! oh-h ! {Comes out of trance and 
appears to wipe perspiration from his brow.] 

Judge. —Now this is amazing, supernatural ! Professor 
Crowell has experienced my very sensations. 

Dr. M. — {Rising] Here is the diagnosis, Crowell. {Hands 
paper.] 

Prof. C. — I will consult with my beatified Aurelia as to 



35 

the advisable remedies, when next I am in my superior 
state. [Throws himself, upon sofa as if greatly exhausted.] 

Dr. M. — [Takes oict note-book.'] The symptoms seem to 
me very alarming, Judge Erly ; it's my honest opinion that 
you have but a few months to live. If you can pay me a lit- 
tle of your attention, here is a matter that will interest you. 
I have in this book the names of a number of persons who de- 
sire to be cremated after death. With the Ancients it was 
a favorite method of disposing of the human remains : no 
doubt it is the cleanly, the sanitary 

Judge. — Woman, if you don't want to be kicked out of my 
house 

Dr. M. — [Putting away note-book and taking oat another] 
Oh, no offence ! Some people have an unreasonable preju- 
dice against cremation, I know. Now I represent the Bos- 
ton Woman's Medical Society. We are in need of a few 
first-class skeletons. Will us your body and I'll promise to 
articulate you with my own hands. I'll turn you out beau- 
tifully white and small ; you'll never complain, and I'll war- 
rant that the job will give entire satisfaction to your friends. 

Judge.- -Ma'am, you're the most outrageous woman I've 
ever met! 

Dr. M. — Ha! ha! ha! Let's all keep our tempers! A 
joke, of course ; I must have my little jokes. [Professor 
takes books from valise and puts them on table. Enter Nina 

(X,. D.).] 

Judge. — [Rising] I disapprove of you utterly, ma'am. I 
consider jouavery improper acquaintance for my ward, 
Miss Dare. I may be behind the times, but in my opinion a 
virtuous young woman should be modest in her dress, and 
quiet in her manners. 

Dr. M. — Ha ! ha ! ha ! Old fogyism on the rampage ! 
You'll live to be woman-dozed, Judge Erly. Give woman 
suffrage, and the ballot will soon right her ancient wrongs. 
The tyrant man must take a back seat. His is the brute 



36 

force eventually to be controlled and utilized by the higher 
intelligence. 

Judge. — [Sinking down on sofa] The higher intelli- 
gence! Hear the woman ! She's an escaped lunatic ! Oh, 
oh — h ! my poor, fluttering heart ! 

Peof. G.—[To Daisy] I'd like to tell this young lady's 
fortune. For a trifling fee of five dollars I can cast her 
horoscope after the methods of the most ancient and learned 
astrologers. 

Reg. — You needn't address yourself to that young lady, 
sir. 

Pbof. C. — [Spreading books out on table] Perhaps the 
ladies would like to examine some books I have with me to- 
day? 

Keg. — So, you're a book agent, after all? 

Peof. C. — Only in the cause of truth, my friends, only 
in the cause of truth. 

[Enter Thomas (e. d.).] 

Ni. — I believe you called to see me, Dr. Mann. 

De. M. — Oh ! good day, Nina, good day ! 

Tho. (c.) — A peddler at the door, Mrs. Erly, says you've 
promised to look at some red and gold cups and sassers. 

Mes. E. — [Hising] Ask him to the dining-room, Thom- 
as. [Exit Thomas (l. d.).] It's the Kaga ware I was telling 
you about, my dear Daisy, and with the mark " Kutani." 

[Daisy rises and Nina seats herself at table.] 

Judge. — Don't you invest a red cent in it, Mrs. Erly ; it's 
only a month since you spent a small fortune on a plate. 

Mes. E. — But such a rare specimen, my dear — a genuine 
Ravenna, dated fifteen hundred and eighty-two. 

Peof. G. — But the books, ladies, the books ! 

Mes. E. — Not to-day. I confess that I am more interest- 
ed in china than in books. 

Peof. 0. — No doubt, China is immensely interesting, 
ma'am ; I myself was named for the greatest sage of that 



37 

favored clime. [Shoves books aside, takes out planchette, 
and appears to write rapidly during following conversation.'] 

Db. M. — One moment, ladies ! Examine these circulars. 
{Hands circulars?] You see, I'm agent for the reform cloth- 
ing ; I'm in for reforms of all sorts, civil and uncivil. 
Leave off your murderous stays and heavy, dragging skirts, 
my friends, and order the Progressive Health Costumes 
from this Boston firm ; you'll gain years of life by the oper- 
ation. 

Mbs. E. — We do not contemplate making any decided 
changes in our mode of dress at present,. Dr. Mann ; your 
occupations seem to be numerous. 

Db. M. — You may well say so, my good woman. I've 
tried a little of most everything, and not always with finan- 
cial success. Now there was blue glass, for instance ; craze 
died out just as I had a lot of the brittle stuff on hand. 
Then there was the New Harmonical Community ; I went 
on intending to join, but found the members to be poor, 
limited creatures, with no breadth of horizon, and was glad 
enough to cut and run. I went into co-operative house- 
keeping with a set that vamoosed, leaving the concern dis- 
gracefully in debt. Ever since I can remember I've been a 
sort of nine-pin for fate — no sooner set up than bowled 
down again. {Exeunt Mbs. E. and Daisy through A.J (d. 
o.) But I am one of that sort of people who never com- 
plain. {Taking out cigar-case.] Have a cigar, Erly? — 
fine brand. 

Reg. — Thank you, no. 

Judge. — {Aside] A most objectionable young woman. 

Db. M. — {Pushing chair aside, standing with back to fire, 
striking a match on sole of her boot, and lighting a cigar.] 
I'm a genuine believer in the weed myself. A great deal of 
nervous irritability goes off in smoke. 

Peof. C. — Judge Erly, you are probably aware that Spirit- 
ualism has a large and distinctive literature of its own, that 



38 

stands like a pyramid of solidity amid the weak trash of the 
day. Here is the " Divine Arcana, " for instance, a book with 
idees enough to revolutionize this globe. » Here is "A Wail 
from the Pews," by A. J. Tator; it has shaken Bigotry on 
its throne. Here is " Old Theology Turned Wrong Side 
Out," by Mrs. Cockburn Crow. You'd better buy a copy, 
young man. Now were I a Bloated Aristocrat, or one of 
your Bond-holding Kothschilds, I'd present you with one — 
and why ? Because I pity you, sir. Your mind is a fossil, 
a relic of the middle ages, a nineteenth- century anachron- 
ism. A book like this would expand your horizon and en- 
large your narrer views. Or buy "Orthodoxy Unveiled," 
by that great Eevelator, Mrs. Wurtzel Buzzard. 

Beg. — Your books are not to my taste. 

Prof. C — Now see here, young man, we can't all be Wurt- 
zel Buzzards, Tappings, Hyzers, Hawks or Cockburn Crows ; 
but at least we need not shut ourselves up in casings of 
learned ignorance and refuse to receive true knowledge. 

Ni. — \_Aside~] How shall I contrive to see Professor Crow- 
ell alone ? [Appears to write on a slip of paper. ~] 

Reg. — You'd better repack your books; no one here 
patronizes that sort of literature. 

Prof. C. — Aha ! young man. I read you. You are afraid of 
these New Lights ! You prefer to walk by conservative tal- 
low dips all your life ! Am I obscure ? 

Judge — \_Bising~] Lend me your arm, Rex. [Reg. rises 
and assists Judge] I am now ready for an electrical treat- 
ment, Professor, if you can pay me a little of your attention. 
My animal magnetism is always at its best at this hour. 

Prof. C. — Very well, Judge Erly, very well ! But won't 
you buy one or two of these books ? 

Judge. — Yes, yes, certainly, leave a copy of each. [Nina 
makes a sign to attract Professor Crowell's attention.^ 

Prof. C. — May they be a blessing to you and an assistance 
in your noble search for truth. And now you must buy my 



39 

patent planchette with mediometer. Jt is simply invaluable 
if you desire to develop yourself as a medium. 

Judge. — Yes, yes, leave it, leave it, by all means. 

Prof. 0. — [Crossing to Nisa, spreading photographs be- 
fore her, and receiving a slip of paper] Perhaps this young lady 
would like to examine some spirit photographs ? Here are 
several of Katy King, taken in London by aid of a mag- 
nesium lamp. A Grecian Princess, an Indian 

Ni. — \ Scornfully] Oh, I'm not interested in such rubbish ! 

Judge. — [Testily'] If you can't pay me a little of your at- 
tention, Professor Crowell 

Prof. C. — [Packing valise] Certainly, certainly, I and my 
blessed Medicine Band are now at your service. 

[Exeunt Judge E. and Reginald, followed by Professor 

C. (D. D.).] 

Dr. M. — [Crossing to Nina] Well, I've interviewed Vol- 
taire, Mistress Dare. He will be in the garden at a little 
past eight this evening. Can you contrive to slip out un- 
observed ? 

Ni. — Oh, yes, without difficulty. 

Dr. M. — And no tricks, mind, or I'll be on your track. 
Voltaire is a frail, sickly creature, all imagination and nerves. 
No match for an unscrupulous, desperate woman, and a pro- 
fessional knave. Poor fellow ! he needs a friend. 

Ni, — Well, and you're welcome to be as much his friend 
as ever you choose, Fred. And now about Daisy Lorimer. 
You've not had time to make inquiries as yet, I suppose ? 

Dr. M. — Haven't I ? Well, I'm just back from Collins- 
ville, and I shan't meddle if you play the innocent Daisy a 
trick or two. 

Ni. — What do you mean ? 

Dr. M. — [ Walking about] I mean that she's one of those 
unprincipled little wretches who think it no harm to pain an 
honest heart if it happens to beat under a bumpkin's jacket. 

Ni. — I don't understand. 



40 

De. M. — Why, this Mildew — this Blight — this what' s-his- . 
name ! Miss Daisy left Collinsville engaged to him. 

Ni. — Actually engaged ? That is better than I dared hope. 

De. M. — I gained admission to the tumble-down shanty in 
my professional character, and interviewed the grandmother 
who is on her last legs. Found her garrulous and confiding, 
after the nature of simple old women. She informed me 
where Daisy was visiting, and that, upon her return home, 
she was to be married to their young neighbor, Mr. William 
Blight. Ny doubt you'll understand how to play this card. 
And now I must be off. My baggage is at the door, and my 
horse restless. I have to drive over to the Woman's Dialect- 
ical Club, where there's a debate pending. Ta ! ta ! [Exit 

E. D.] 

Ni. —I must gain a solemn promise from Voltaire that he 
will not expose my past history. Why should he ? He has 
nothing to gain by ruining me, unless he should see too 
much of Frederica, who worships him, when legal freedom 
might become of consequence to him. [Rises'] It is well that 
he is to leave America, and with this wretch, Crowell. 1 am 
not safe while Voltaire lives. And now for an opportunity 
of interviewing Rex, after which his mood will be a very 
tender one when next he meets with you, Daisy Lorimer. 
Ha ! ha ! ha ! [Exit through a.] 

CUETAIN. 



41 



ACT III. 

Scene. —A garden at "The Oaks ;" large windoic, with 
marble steps leading from it at rear. Three large vases 
(practicable) with flowers (l.); trees and entrances (r.); 
garden bench (r ). 

Enter Judge Erly and Professor Crowell through win- 
dows. 

Prof. C. (d. a). — [Suppo?*ting Judge] Spiritualism, my 
dear Judge Erly, is the perfected blossom of our nineteenth 
century civilization. Many of our best and greatest think- 
ers are now avowed believers. 

Judge. — And many others, like myself, are earnest inves- 
tigators. Nothing but my deep interest in the search for 
truth could have induced me to venture forth to breathe the 
malarial poison of the night air. [Coughs] I'm an iEolian 
harp, painfully susceptible to the loud noises and rough 
shocks of the world in which I live. 

Prof. C. — And has it never struck you, my dear friend, 
that the spirits might be able to evolve rare harmonies from 
so finely strung an instrument ? Come, let us reason to- 
gether. 

Judge. — Ahem! You mean, perhaps, that I may be an 
undeveloped medium, or sensitive? 

Prof. 0. — And why not? I think it highly probable. 
We can determine the matter by means of a clairvoyant 
examination ; for I find that medianimic gifts depend very 
much upon parts about the corpus callosum and those above 
the corpora striata. 

Judge. — We must have an examination then — say, to- 
morrow. And now, if you can pay me a little of — that is, if 
you please — we'll proceed to the cosmographic exposition. 



42 

Peof. 0. — One moment, Judge Erly, I desire to improve 
this opportunity for private speech, by mentioning to you a 
somewhat startling circumstance. You remember that yes- 
terday I beheld the spirit of a beautiful woman in robes of ^ 
transcendental whiteness, hovering above your head ? 
Judge — Ahem ! I remember — certainly. 
Peof. C. — She appeared to me again in a vision of the 
night. 

Judge. — Strange ! 

Peof. C. — She expressed a desire. Judge Erly, that you 
and me should arrange for a Cabinet Seance, when she says 
she will attempt to materialize. If successful, she wants 
you should hold yourself in readiness to be married to her. 
Judge. — The devil! You forget Mrs. Erly. 
Peof. C. — Let us reason together, my dear friend. With 
the keen eye of the Inspired Seer, I have observed that your 
good and amiable lady is not your Soul's Affinity. 

Judge. — Humph ! Of course, she isn't ; but that's no rea- 
son why I should put her away. Erom what I have seen, I 
should say that very few people are united to their affinities. 
Peof. C. — Very true, and it is to right the mistakes oi 
planetary existence that marriages are hourly celebrated in 
the First and Second Spheres of the Summer Land. But 
why procrastinate, when, without injury to any, we may en- 
joy the high delights of spiritual converse with Kindred 
Souls while still in this mundane state ? 
[Enter Reginald through w.] 

Reginald (e. u. a). — [Aside'] As I live, my uncle, and 
with that inspirational old rascal who has gained such an 
influence over him ! 

Peof. 0. — {Unrolling a picture and afterwards placing his 
valises under the bench] My Spirit Bride, the Beatified Au- 
relia, was on earth the wife of the Medium Slate, justly 
celebrated for his reading of folded pellets. Shortly after 
her translation, Aiirelia materialized, and was married to me 
in the presence of witnesses. 



43 

Judge. — And didn't Slate object ? 

Prof. C. — Certainly not ; why should he have ? Let us 
reason together. Slate is a man who has great breadth of 
horizon — his idees and mine are very similar. Besides, he is 
now united to his own affinity, Joan D'Arc, known in history 
as the Maid of Orleans. Joan and Aurelia are now waiting 
for Slate and I on the planet Herschel, which they describe as 
unsuited to human existence. Eventually we shall all start 
together for the bright Zone in the region of Cygnus the 
Swan. [Holding up picture] Beatific Aurelia, I behold thee ! 

Judge. — That's a wonderful picture ! 

Reg. — [Aside] What deviltry is the old sinner concocting 
now ? 

Prof. G. — Wonderful indeed ! Let us draw near to the 
light and study these supermundane charms. [Judge and 
Professor move u. o. .Reginald down stage to 2 v. l.]. In 
such heavenly guise did my Beatified Aurelia reveal herself 
to Sister Tapping of Kevelation Vale, who sketched this pic- 
ture with bandaged eyes while in a state of trance. It repre- 
sents my Angel-Love star-crowned and with floating hair, as 
you see, hovering above the Pyramids of Egypt, gathering 
wisdom from the Fount of the Anciunts. 

Judge (d. c.) — And you advise my entering into one of 
these spiritual unions? — I don't know that it would be expe- 
dient. 

Prof. C. — [Replacing picture in valise and taking out 
map] And why not ? Surely yonr spirit is in advance of the 
age in which you live ! You are one of those who have en- 
tered the Pantheon of Progress. Is not your soul unmated ? 
Are not you lonely in a universe full of love ? Follow a new 
Light — be ecstatic and rejoice ! No doubt your spirit's 
mate will select a medium through whom she can communi- 
cate to you her wishes ; she will thus become, though all un- 
seen, the guiding star of your existence. I trust that I am 
not obscure. 



44 

Reg. — [Approaching'] You are a villain, and I trust that 
my uncle will not insult his family by putting himself in the 
equivocal position your proposition implies. 

Judge. — Ahem ! You here, Rex ? 

Prof. C. — Aha! young man, I read you, ubiquitous and 
obreptitious as you seem to be. You are without any far- 
reaching aspiration towards the super-mundane. Your true 
belief of the Spirits is that they are helplessly bottled up, 
waiting for the sound of a hypothetical trumpet. [Grasp- 
ing Reginald excitedly'] Throw off the dark robes of Bigotry 
and clothe yourself in the rich garments of Free and Pro- 
gressive Thought ! An opportunity now offers for you to 
learn Eternal Truth ! Listen with a candid mind while I 
reveal to you my Plan of the Universe. [Unrolls map.] 

Reg. — If your utterances are not blasphemy, they are the 
ravings of a lunatic. 

Prof. C. — I resent the charge of lunacy, and fling it 
back in the face of him who utters it. Know, sir, that I am 
acknowledged Thought-Leader, the President of the Ad- 
vance Guard Theosophical Society of Boston, whose learned 
discussions are far beyond the comprehension of the limited 
individual whom I am now addressing. 

Reg. — Humph ! That may or may not be. 

Judge (u. a). — This damp, malarial night-air is chilling 
me to the marrow, Professor, so if you cannot pay me a 
little of your attention 

Prof. C. — [Grasping Judge] Certainly, certainly, certain- 
ly, my good friend, let us proceed ! — No doubt this young 
man has been brought up to reverence the ignorant and 
bigoted Milton, who, living in an age when the Copernican 
Philosophy was accepted by all learned astronomers, pre- 
ferred to cling to the rotten Ptolemaic System ! Let us rea- 
son together without fear and without favor. John Milton 
had the false, I have the true Cosmogony of the Universe. 
Again and again has my soul been transported to many of the 



45 

places I am about to describe. It is a fact that by respiring 
internally I am able to breathe the air of three spheres with- 
out loss of consciousness, and can therefore move at will in 
the Angelic Societies of the Celestial and Ultimate Degrees. 

Keg. — Absurd ! 

Prof. C. — [Pointing] Gaze up into the east, gentlemen, 
and behold the Pleiades ! Brightest of the seven Sisters be- 
hold Alcyone ! Can it be denied that she is the centre of 
our planetary system ? Nay, it cannot, for so it has been re- 
vealed. Alcyone, mother of the Sun, is grandmother to the 
Earth. Can it be denied, then, that she is great-grand- 
mother to the Moon ? Am I obscure, or are ye, my hearers, 
obtuse? Your thoughts appear to wander, young man. 

Reg. — I am listening to your learned dissertation with as 
much attention as it deserves. 

Prof. C. — I read you, sir! You doubt my being a seer? 
Let us reason together. I was the child of poor and dishon- 
est parents. When but nine of years age, they died. I was 
made into a common drudge. I never received a day's school- 
ing in my life, nor was so much as taught wherein one 
letter of the alphabet diff ereth from another. {Enter Ellen 
through w.] If the Invisibles have not rescued me and 
taught me through Interior Communion, how do you ac- 
count for the learning I possess on every conceivable sub- 
ject? 

Ellen (d. a). — The silver spoons is gone from the side- 
board, Judge Erly, a whole lot of 'em 

Judge. — Humph! the devil! Was ever a gentleman so 
tormented with careless, dishonest servants ? 

Reg. — If Professor Crowell will stand to one side and per- 
mit me to examine those valises, I think I shall be able to 
produce the lost silver. 

Prof. C. — I'll permit nothing of the sort, you Purse-proud 
young Aristocrat ! Do you imagine that, because I am not 



46 

one of your Bloated, Bond-holding Kothschilds, I'm to be in- 
sulted with impunity ? 

Beg. — [Drawing a revolver'] I intend inspecting the con- 
tents of those valises whether you object or not. 

Judge. — Nonsense, Bex, you are always suspecting the 
most unlikely people ! [Sinking upon garden bench'] Oh, my 
heart, my poor fluttering heart ! Such a scene is too much 
for my shattered nerves ! 

Prof. C. — [Moving aside] No violence, young man, no 
violence, I implore ! The Innocent Victim of Unjust Sus- 
picion submits to Superior Force ! 

Ellen — [Dragging the valises out and opening them] Ha ! 
ha! ha! You just keep that persuader pointed, Mr. Erly, 
and I'll search his valises. 

Prof. 0. — [Gazing upward] Yes, I behold thee, Beatific 
Aurelia — I hear thy Pleading Voice ! For thy sake, I will 
be patient with the Buthless Insultor, conscious that my 
Innocence will soon shine forth radiant as the Unsullied 
Sun to overwhelm with deserved shame the Bash Accuser. 

El. — Here they be, Mr. Erly, sure as you live ! One, 
two, three, four, six, eight, ten, twelve of the big ones — and 
six of the little gold-lined ones. 

Beg. — Is that correct ? 

El. — Yes, sir, that's just what we mis ed. [Exit through w.] 

Beg. — This is a very serious matter, Professor Crowell. 
[Seising him by the collar.] Possibly you can explain it. 

Prof. C. — Most assuredly I can, young man, most 
assuredly I can. Permit me to say, however, that your sus- 
piciousness has caused me the deepest pain. Now I recog- 
nize in this a malicious trick of a Diakka. At a late Se'ance 
there issued from my Cabinet the dusky, dark, undeveloped 
spirit of an African Idiot, who behaved so outrageously that 
my Angel Band were obliged to handle him rather roughly. 
He vanished, swearing revenge, and has no doubt availed 
himself of this opportunity to injure me. 



47 

Reg. — [Shaking the Pbof. fiercely. ] Say the word, uncle, 
and I'll kick this rascal out of the grounds ! 

Judge. — Don't be a fool, Rex ! [Rising] I desire you. 
to release your hold on Professor Orowell at once. Had 
you read up on this subject, you would know that such cases 
are of frequent occurrence, and that the explanation you 
have just listened to is undoubtedly the true one. I con- 
sider it perfectly satisfactory. 

Peof. C. — I thank you for your generous confidence, my 
noble friend ! Nevertheless I am grieved and alarmed at 
this occurrence, knowing, as I do, that the Demon Diakkas 
could never have thus approached and controlled me had 
not some malign influence temporarily weakened the power 
of my Angel Band. 

Judge. — Say no more. We will dismiss this painful 
theme, and go on with the discussion of your inspired 
cosmography. 

Peof. C. — Very well, excellent friend, so let it be. We 
will leave the Pleiades, as only a few unique and daring 
Spirits from our Earth have ever started on that long and 
awful journey. [Pointing] Gaze up into the Milky Way, 
gentlemen, and behold the Heaven of your dreams! Prob- 
ably this young man is not able to trace Perseus in the 
Heavens. But look here upon my map. [Grasping Regi- 
nald'] Here in the region of Perseus you see an oval out- 
line. It marks the site of the egg-shaped Island of Supreme 
Delight. Where you behold this red dot stands the fairy 
Temple Glenderosiphina, with its billions of cupolas, 
minarets, domes and towers of ivory, pearl and gold. A 
rainbow of dazzling light spans the Island, while comets of 
amazing size further illumine its skies. 

[Enter Nina through w.] 

Nina (e. u. c.) — [Aside] I must contrive to get these peo- 
ple in from the garden. 

Peop. C. — On the golden steps of Glenderosiphina I 



48 

have frequently heard the Spirit Lady, Nambypabuluma, in- 
structing children from our own and other planets, 

Ni. (d. c.) — I am surprised to find you in the open air 
studying the stars, Judge Erly. 

Judge. — Humph! the devil! It seems I cannot move 
without being followed by every member of my family. 

Ni. —Oh ! I was in search of Rex. 

Prof. C. — [Grasping Nina] This blue line, Miss, marks the 
site of Airy Nella. Through this land of milk and honey 
flows the Lulabylatrula. You will reach its banks, my 
beloved hearers, in precisely one hour and twenty minutes 
after qui ttation of the body. [Grasping Reginald excited- 
ly'] The music of the sweet Spring Murmurilla will first 
greet your ears. You will pluck the Gardenympha and 
other Spirit Flowers. You will listen enchanted to the 
bird songs of the Tristella from Saturn, the Bulbul from 
Earth, and the Violiola from Venus. 

Reg. — [Freeing himself] Enough of this rubbish! And 
don't lay hands on me again unless you want a kicking. 
[Appears to converse with Nina (l. cj. c.).] 

Prop. C. — Poor misguided young mm ! His mind .now is 
shut up in a six-foot thick wall of Bigotry. But these idees 
of mine have startled skeptics before now, and hit Ortho- 
doxy some telling blows (u. a). Ah ! truly, my friend, if 
we would pierce the impenetrable, we must soar on the wings 
of the inspirational. 

[Exeunt Prof, and Judge through w.] 

Reg. (l. c). — Be brief , Nina, if that which you have to 
say concerns my relations with Miss Lorimer. 

Ni. (c). — I can be very brief, if you desire. I have only 
to tell you that I have been informed that Daisy Lorimer 
came here an engaged girl*; that she is to be married upon 
her return to Oollinsville to one Mr. William Blight. Tax 
her with it, and see if she will deny it. [Retires (u. a.).] 



49 

Keg. — [Fiercely] It is false, idle gossip ! Who was your 
informant ? 

Ni. — Don't be so absurdly tragical ! My informant was 
Dr. Frederica Mann, who simply repeated to me what she 
heard on all sides. Miss Lorimer is the proper person for 
you to question and brow-beat, not I. \_Exit through w.] 

Reg. — Great Heaven ! I will get at the bottom of this 
miserable business. [Exit through w.] 

[Enter Dr. Mann, r. 2 b.] 

Dr. Mann (c). — There's a wind abroad that means mis- 
chief, and 1 alone seem conscious of its stirrings. I must 
witness this interview between Nina and Voltaire, for I may 
be able to unravel her schemes where he'd see only innocent 
intention. I haven't a doubt she means to use Crowell as 
her tool, but it's quite impossible to put Voltaire on his 
guard against that old rascal, for he believes in all his ab- 
surd pretensions. What a misfortune it is to be over- cred- 
ulous ! 

{Enter Voltaire Darwin (r. 1 e.).] 

Voltaire. — I'm surprised to find you here, Fiederica. 
Where is Nina ? Has she consented to your being present 
at our interview ? 

Dr. M. — I haven't asked her consent. Probably she 
hasn't been able to give her lynx-eyed guardian the slip as yet. 

Vol. — My soul revolts at the thought of a meeting with 
her, Frederica ; I wish that it could be avoided. 

Dr. M.— Nonsense! Why should you dread meeting her? 
I'll wager my head, her desire to see you is founded on 
nothing more than a fear that you have betrayed her secret. 

Vol. — Why should she doubt my honor? 

Dr. M. — 'Tis not a question of honor. Prof. Crowell cer- 
tainly knows something, and 

Vol. — He has learned nothing from me, Frederica. Of 
course, I can't say what he knows, as many things are re- 
vealed to him supernaturally. 



50 

Dr. M. — I wish that I could convince you what a rascal 
this Crowell really is. 

Vol. — But how can you judge him fairly, Frederica? 
You deny the possibility of supernatural gifts, even of spir- 
itual existence. 

Dr. M. — Of course I do ! We're curious bits of pro- 
toplasm, rare machines kept in motion by supplies of food 
and drink, and when we run down there's an end of it. 

Vol. — Why do you not accuse me of being a fraud as well 
as Professor Crowell, since I too claim to be a medium, 
though with lesser gifts ? 

Dr. M. — Oh, there are mediums and mediums ! You are 
genuine enough, as mediums go. I divide them into two 
classes — those who are a little non compos mentis, believers 
in their own sickly hallucinations, and those who are simply 
impostors. In my opinion the cheats have the best of it, 
for they are quite as successful financially, and they don't 
suffer from a drain upon the nervous system. 

Vol. — I cannot accept your conclusions, Frederica; I do 
not simply believe ; I have absolute knowledge of the truth 
of spiritual existence. The more I meditate, aspire, and 
mortify the flesh, the more wonderful grow the phenomena 
produced through my mediumship. It has often been 
accorded me to behold the spirit forms of departed friends 
when in ecstasy or trance. 

Dr. M.— Such hallucinations are the premonitions of 
insanity, Voltaire ; I warn you as a physician. 

Vol. — I saw my father's spirit on the night of his death, 
Frederica. 

Dr. M. — You believed that you did, Voltaire. The truth 
is, you are surrounded by a dominant, all-pervading thought 
atmosphere. The rest is mere coincidence. [Crosses l.] 
'Tis rather singular that the child of parents who believed 
next to nothing should be so very credulous. But there's 
no use in arguing with you, for you're incorrigible — Nina's 



51 

c'oming ! I'll just squirm behind this pot of posies, and hear 
what she has to say for herself. [Steps behind 2 v.] Don't 
you betray me : 'tis one of the little jokes I must have. 

{Enter Nina Daee through w.] 

Nina (d. c). — You here, Voltaire! I will detain you but 
a moment, as I fear discovery. I requested this interview 
because I wanted to hear from your own lips, and not through 
Frederica Mann, that you don't object to my disposing of 
myself and of my property as I see fit. 

Vol. — Why should I object? Five years ago I told you 
to go your way, as I should go mine. Our union was a hor- 
ror, and we dissolved it. It was my awful misfortune, 
when in a clairvoyant state, to see into your soul and read 
its dark designs, till you became to me a terror and a shame. 

Ni. — Was not there something to be said on my side ? 
What woman would like for a husband a diseased, uncanny 
creature, endowed with the undesirable power of reading her 
secret thoughts? I confess that I have a horror of the 
abnormal. 

Vol. — Let us indulge in no more of these useless recrimi- 
nations. You have nothing to fear from me, Nina. I am 
about to leave the country for an indefinite time, and do not 
desire to interfere with your future in any way. 

Ni. — Is my secret safe, Voltaire ? 

Vol. — And why not ? It is known but to ourselves, to 
Frederica, and to an obscure country dominie who has 
doubtless long since forgotten our names and faces. 

Ni. — Is it safe with Frederica ? She adores you, and 
should you ever take a notion to honor her with your love 
in return, she would want you to sue me for a divorce. 

Vol. — This is worse than folly ! You insult an innocent 
woman who is my friend. 

Ni. — Ah, well, I am not here to discuss Frederica Mann; 
there is some one else I want to know about — this Professor 
Crowell. Who is he ? Where did you make his acquaint- 
ance ? 



52 " 

Vol. — I was introduced to liim by the spirit friends who 
have advised my asking him to accompany me to Europe. 

Ni. — Introduced by spirit friends ! I do not know that I 
understand you. 

Vol. — I consult them by means of sealed letters sent to 
Sister Tapping, of Kevelation Vale, and receive answer 
through their mediumship. 

Ni. — And the letters you write ? 

Vol. — Are returned to me intact, with seals unbroken. If 
you have no further explanations to demand, we will not 
prolong this interview, for I find it extremely trying to my 
nerves. 

Ni. — There is nothing more — unless 

Vol. — Then I will leave you, and I trust that we shall 
never meet again. {Exit r. 1 e.] 

Ni. —Poor, credulous fool ! It is well this precious Keve- 
lation Vale correspondence through the inspired Sister Tap- 
ping is manipulated by Professor Crowell, whose interests 
must be identified with my own. (l.) But here comes 
Daisy Lorimer, no doubt for a sentimental meeting with 
Bex. [Steps behind 1 v.] I must watch the play of the 
elements I have set in motion. 

{Enter DaIsy Lorimer through w. Music plays softly. J 

Dai. (d. c.) — No one here ? I must chide Rex for letting 
me be the first at the rendezvous. [Crosses r. and seats 
herself on garden benefit] I need a moment in which to 
gather up my courage for confession. I have been weak 
and wicked, but surely he will forgive me. [Reginald 
Erly appears in w.l Ah ! there he is, dear, handsome 
Bex, but he does not see me ! [Rises and advances to o. 
Reginald approaches to within a short distance of Daisy, and 
pauses with folded arms.] How strangely you look at me, 
Bex ! What is the matter ? Why do you not speak ? 

Beg. — [Fiercely] When I speak it will be to curse you I 

Dai. — Oh, no, no ; not that! 



53 

Reg. — To utter words of hatred and contempt. 

Dai. — What do you mean ? 

Reg. — Are you the pure and innocent girl whom I have 
so loved and trusted ? 

Dai. — Do not speak to me so bitterly — you will regret it. 
Had I committed some crime, you could not meet me more 
angrily. 

Reg. — And have you not committed a crime ! Have you 
not laid sacrilegious hands upon the sweetest sanctities of life ? 
Have you not destroyed one man's faith in the goodness and 
loyalty of woman ? Have you not looked love with a baby 
innocent face, while scheming for your own advancement? 

Dai. — You wrong me cruelly — I have schemed for 
nothing. If I looked love, it was because I did and do love 
you devotedly. I would die to prove it. 

Reg. — Listen, Miss Lorimer, and understand how un- 
worthy an object I am upon which to waste your histrionic 
abilities. When Reginald Erly marries otherwise than as 
his father elected, he will no longer be the wealthy heir to 
"The Oaks." The old place will indeed be his; but the 
fortune, for which you would have sold yourself, goes to 
Nina Dare, I — and you as my wife — would have begun 
married life humbly enough. 

Dai. — And you intended making such a sacrifice for me ? 
How good you are ! It was never your fortune for which I 
cared, but yourself. 

Reg. — Even now you count me, perhaps, a better match 
than the man who is waiting for you in Collinsville. 
Dai. — How cruelly you insult me ! 

Reg. — Do I insult you? Answer me truly, Daisy — when 
you plighted me your faith, a little while ago, were you en- 
gaged to another man ? Deny it, and I will fall at your 
feet and implore your pardon that I have dared to har- 
bor so horrible a doubt against you even for a moment. 
You do not answer me — Heaven ! 



54 

Dai. — It is true that I was engaged. 

Keg. — Was engaged? 

Dai. — Am engaged, horrible as it sounds. Because my 
grandmother wished it, I promised to marry Billy Blight, 
although I never professed to care for him. I never 
meant to deceive you — I was about to explain everything 
when your uncle entered the room to-day — I came here 
intending to tell you all my miserable story to-night ; but 
you have heard it from others. 

Beg. — It was Miss Dare who told. She heard it from Dr. 
Mann, who has just returned from Collinsville. 

Dai. — Miss Dare ! Dr. Mann ! — I felt certain that they 
were plotting against me. Miss Dare hates me ! 

Reg. — It is not a question of plotting : they but repeated 
matter of common gossip. 

Dai. — If I could but explain ! If you would only listen 
more patiently. 

Beg. — What is there to explain ? It is a fact that you 
won my love and encouraged my attentions while engaged 
to another man, is it not ? Such a fact admits of no pallia- 
tion, to my way of thinking. Mr. Blight may prove more 
lenient in his judgment, if you choose to confide to him this 
little episode in your career. 

Dai. — And is this the end ? 

Beg. — Ay, truly, the dream is broken! After to night I 
will see you no more, forever. 

Dai. — Bex, Bex, do not say so ! [Kneels'] Forgive me, 
I'm not too proud to ask it. I only know that I shall be 
utterly wretched without you. 

Beg.— Bise, Miss Lorimer, I am but a man and I love you 
still. If I listen to your pleadings I shall forgive you and live 
to be deceived again. I choose to flee from a Fool's Para- 
dise. [Exit (e. 2. d.).] 

Dai. — He is gone, but, oh, not forever ! He loves me still, 
he said he loved me still, and he will forgive me, greatly as I 



55 

have wronged him. {Rises] I will write to him again and 
again — I will beg him to return to me. [Exit through w.] 

Ni. — {Stepping to c] A narrow escape ! Had Kex relented, 
all would have been lost. I did not blunder when I counted 
on the Erly temper. And now, Daisy Lorimer, your brief 
courtship is ended. Letter nor word of yours shall ever reach 
your lost lover, that I promise you. {Enter Professor C. 
through w. J 

Dr. M.— [Aside] Enter the Devil ! 

Prof. C. (d. c.) — I have had difficulty in joining yon un- 
observed, my dear miss, for Judge Erly requires a great deal 
of my attention. He is sure to miss me before many min- 
utes. 

Ni. — Our business need not take long. You have the pa- 
per which I requested you to return to me ? 

Prof. 0. — {Handing paper] Here it is, my dear miss. I 
have weighed its contents and comprehend its purport. 

Ni. — And you will serve me on the terms named ? 

Prof. C. — And why not, dear lady ? The terms are most 
liberal. And now let us reason together. Why should we 
set an undue value upon Earth-life, when Spiritual Exis- 
tence alone is eternal and progressive ? Ah, truly, miss, we 
must soar upon the wings of the inspirational if we would 
pierce the 

Ni. — Oh, hush, you need play no part with me. I know 
that you have read the secret of my life ; but I believe I have 
made it clear to you that, while it will profit you nothing to 
betray, it will be greatly to your advantage to serve me. 
One question and we understand each other. You are Vol- 
taire Darwin's medical adviser. Do you think it probable 
that he will be alive, say two years from now ? In other 
words, is he likely to live to return to America ? 

Prof.C. — It is extremely improbable, my dear Miss. Alas ! 
his health is ve-ery frail, and so slight a thread is easily 
snapped. Am I obscure ? 



56 

Ni. — No, nor am I obtuse. Enough ! you must not linger 
here. 

Prof. C. — Is our good friend, Dr. Mann about ? I have 
won in more little games with than against her. 

Ni. — Oh, she has driven over to some ridiculous woman's 
club ! 

Prof. C. (u. c.) — [Rubbing his hands] That is well, let us 
be ecstatic and rejoice ! [Exit through w.] 

Ni. — Poor Voltaire ! Alas ! the world is not large enough 
to hold us both. (u. c.) What said the honorable Profes- 
sor? " His health is ve-ery frail, and so slight a thread is 
easily snapped." Ha! ha! ha! [Exit through w .] 

Dr. M. — [Stepping to c] There was murder in that laugh, 
you false and bloody wretch ! I will expose your infamous 
schemes. But what have I to go on, save my own suspi. 
cions ? What I have heard amounts to nothing, and I must 
have proof stronger than the records of the rocks to convince 
that infatuated boy of Crowell's treachery. Ah, well, Vol- 
taire, though you will not listen to my warnings, you shall 
profit by my protecting care ! (u. c.) And now, says I, 
Fred, my girl, why not follow them to Europe ? Thanks to 
your exactions on Nina Dare, you have the means. So long 
as they but plotted against people for whom you did not 
care, you held your tongue, but now that they m^an his ruin 
or death, you must follow, defy, defeat them ! [Exit r. 2. e.] 

Curtain. 



57 



ACT IV. 

Scene. — Drawing room at "Magnolia." Three arches sup- 
ported by columns, opening on to a covered veranda with 
flowers, statuary, etc. , at rear. Upholstered circular settee 
(a). Long mirrors (l.). Screen (l. u. a). Table toith 
chairs, etc. (e.). Chairs, etc. (l.). Portrait of a gentle- 
man in military dress, etc. (l.). 
Properties. — Writing materials and books on table. 

As curtain rises, Daisy Lorimer (dressed in deep mourn- 
ing) is discovered seated at table (r.) writing. Music plays 
softly. 

Daisy. — {Putting aside writing'] It is now two years, two 
long, sad years, since I have heard one kind or sympathetic 
word from any one. Oh ! it is terrible to be so alone in the 
world. And I am young yet, only twenty — so young to be 
without hope. I seem to see my life, what is left of it, 
stretch out before ine. and it is very dark. / shall go on 
teaching year after year, growing sadder, older, thinner, 
sourer, till I die at last, uncai-ed for and unmourned. [Sob- 
bing'] Yes. my strength is gone, and I've no heart left to 
longer endure my lonely orphaned life. 
[Enter Mrs. Sniffen, l. d.] 

Mrs. Sniffen. — [Aside] Moping again ! really ridicu- 
lously oversensitive ! (d. c.) Are you occupied, my dear 
Miss Lorimer ? 

Dai — I was correcting Miss Sniffen's French exercise, but 
I have done. 

Mrs. S. — {Seating herself opposite Daisy] It is of Ange- 
lica Celestia I wish to speak. I'm not quite satisfied with 
her progress, my dear Miss Lorimer. 1 do not wish to find 



58 

fault, but I cannot understand why the dear child has not 
learned something, during the six months in which you have 
been her governess. She is naturally very bright, all Van- 
derwhacker, no Sniffen traits — the children take after my 
family. 

Dai. — But Miss Sniffen will not practise or study. 

Mks. S. — How very absurd ! Pray is it not your duty to 
contrive that the dear child shall practise and study ? 
Ought you not to coax her along the difficult paths of learn- 
ing, hiding the thorns from her tender feet, causing her to 
absorb information all unconsciously, as it were, while 
treading upon beds of flowery ease ? Such seems to me the 
lofty mission of the teacher. 

Dai. — It may be that I have no vocation for teaching. 
At all events I find it very difficult to instruct Miss Sniffen, 
she is so self-willed. 

Mks. S. — Is not that somewhat coarsely put, or am I 
oversensitive ? Mine is the poetic temperament that ever 
dreads a chill blast from the matter of fact. But I desire to 
be just and not to be blinded by my sensibilities. I admit 
that Angelica Celestia is a child of high spirit, difficult to 
coax and of course impossible to drive. But then her spirit 
is my pride, and not for worlds would I have it broken. 
She takes after my family, and the Vanderwhacker spirit was 
ever proud and untamed. But is it not possible there is a 
something lacking in yourself, my dear Miss Lorimer — 
tone, dignity, je ne sais quoit The dear child is very suscep- 
tible to style and an imposing manner. I co>itrolher entire- 
ly by tact, finesse, diplomacy, possibly you are wanting in 
these qualities. 

Dai. — Every day that I remain here I am more and more 
convinced that I am totally unfitted for the charge of your 
daughter, Mrs. Sniffen. 

Mrs. S. — Now don't be so absurdly oversensitive, my 
dear Miss Lorimer. I was not finding fault in the least, only 



59 

i 

suggesting. In many ways you have given me great satis- 
faction. Why, you are the first of my governesses decently 
young who has not driven ms quite distracted, setting caps 
for poor dear St. Elmo. 

Dai. — I have never been desirous for further intercourse 
with Mr. Sniffen than was absolutely unavoidable. 

Mks. S. — Darling boy, he is indeed royally endowed by 
nature — a child of the muses, young, handsome, and of good 
birth ; but that does not excuse forgetfulness of social bar- 
riers. By the way, Miss Lorimer, we are expecting a visit 
from the dear children's guardian and his family. 

Dai. — Will their coming be likely to interfere with Miss 
Sniffen's studies ? 

Mks. S. — That will depend very much upon yourself, my 
dear Miss Lorimer. At stated times Angelica Celestia must 
appear in the drawing-room under your care; but I trust to 
you to make up to her diiring lesson hours for all unavoid- 
able interruptions. And I beg of you as a favor not to refer 
her little playfulnesses to me, my nerves are not equal to it. 
I cannot tell how long Judge Erly and his family will remain 
with us. 

Dai. — [Starting] Judge Erly, did you say ? 

Mks. S. — Judge Erly, of "The Oaks," the dear children's 
guardian, and the sole executor of my late husband's will. 
He has a snug little fortune, and I dare say he will make 
Angelica Celestia his heiress, for secretly he dotes upon the 
child, though one would never suspect it from his manner. 

Dai.-— Is Judge Erly coming here? 

Mks. S. — Certainly ; you're not acquainted with the fam- 
ily, I suppose. 

Dai. — Indeed, yes, I am ; I once visited at " The Oaks." 

Mks, S. — How extraordinary, my dear Miss Lorimer. 
Here I had always supposedly ou to be a mere little nobody, 
and it seems you have grand friends — are, perhaps, of old 
and distinguished family. Is it a case of fallen fortunes ? 
I am so absurdly romantic. 



60 

Dai. — By no means, Mrs. Sniffen ; in your sense I always 
was and am a mere little nobody. 

Mrs. S. — But you once visited in Judge Erly's family, you 
say. Was it during the lifetime of the first Mrs. Erly ? 

Dai. — What do you mean, Mrs. Sniffen ? Is dear, good 
Mrs. Erly dead ? 

Mrs. S. — Why, certainly she is, these eighteen months. I 
never gossip, but since you know the family, there can be 
no harm in my telling you that the Judge has disgraced 
himself by marrying his late wife's waiting-maid. 

Dai.— Surely not Ellen ? 

Mrs. S. — That's her name. You see she turned out to be 
a medium, or something of that sort, and so gained an influ- 
ence over the Judge. Of course, she will accompany him 
here, and we must countenance her, notwithstanding she is 
hopelessly ignorant and vulgar. I suppose you were ac- 
quainted with Nina Dare ? 

Dai. — Yes, but we were not friends. 

Mrs. S. — She's a mere vulgarian as to family, my dear 
Miss Lorimer, and you know what a stickler I am for blood. 
Had it not been for General Erly's absurd will, she must 
have remained in obscurity all her days, and for my part, I 
think he did very wrong to interfere with the designs of 
Providence. You see, when a mere boy, he fell in love with 
Nina's mother, who jilted him to marry some profligate 
young scamp. As might have been expected, he deserted 
her, and she went off in a consumption. The General 
adopted Nina, placed her in school, and when he died, 
left her to his brother's care. " The Oaks " he willed to his 
son, but his fortune of half a million went to him only on 
condition that he should marry Nina, three years his senior, 
on coming of age. 

Dai. — Yes, I heard something of the will while I was at 
" The Oaks." The fortune was to go to Miss Dare if he re- 
fused to marry her, and, of course, he did, for he never pre- 
tended to care for her. 



61 

Mrs. S. — How absurdly ignorant of the world you must 
be to suppose such a thing for a moment, my dear Miss 
Lorimer ! Of course, there was nothing for Kex to do but to 
marry his father's heiress. 

Dai. — He married her ! 

Mrs. S. — Certainly ; and they will be here with the others, 
I suppose. 

Dai. — Mrs. Sniifen, I cannot remain here during this vis- 
it. [Rises] It is impossible. 

Mrs. S. — You object to meeting Judge Erly's family be- 
cause they knew you in days of greater prosperity ? Now, 
that is false pride, Miss Lorimer, very wrong and very fool- 
ish, and I will not encourage it. I believe that Heaven de- 
signs to impoverish a certain number of well-bred persons, 
in order that the children of the Aristocracy may be served 
by those possessing culture and refinement, and, for my part, 
I think it a very beautiful expression of the thoughtful be- 
neficence of Providence. [Rises.] 

Dai. — Are they expected soon, Mrs. Sniff en ? 

Mrs. S.- Soon ? Oh, to be sure ! Any time — to-day per- 
haps, (l. u. c.) I hear a carriage on the drive this moment. 
[Exit through r. a.] 

Dai. — O Heaven ! Kex Erly here ! and I must meet him 
face to face ! Is there no escape ? Nothing I can do ? No- 
where I can go ? I have often fancied what it would be like 
to meet him again ; but never, even in my gloomiest 
thoughts, did I dream of finding him Nina Dare's husband. 
[At table r., buries her face in her hands, and sobs.] 

[Enter Eeginald Erly from r. through c. a.] 

Reginald (d. c.)— [Pausing] I beg pardon ; Mrs. Sniff en 
directed me to this room ; I did not know that it was occu- 
pied. 

Dai. — [Rising and gazing about in a bewildered way] O 
Heaven ! that voice. 

Keg. — [Starting back] Daisy — Miss Lorimer — am I dream- 
ing? 



62 

Dai. — Yes, it is I, Mr. Erly. 

Reg. — And I never thought to meet you on this earth 
again. You are much changed, Miss Lorimer. I beg your 
pardon — that mourning dress. Is it possible that you are a 
widow ? 

Dai. — A widow ! Oh, no ! I am still unmarried. I huve 
never left off wearing mourning for my grandmother. 

Reg. — You are unmarried, you say. Great Heaven ! I do 
not understand ! You were engaged to be married when we 
parted two years ago. 

Dai. — That engagement, such as it was, was broken off at 
once. Then came my grandmother's illness and death. I 
have been a governess for nearly two years. 

Reg. — But I read a notice of your marriage in a Collins- 
ville paper, two months after our parting. The belief that 
you were married drove me reckless. My uncle's urgent 
wishes, my own miserable state, property reasons, all com- 
bined to drive' me into marriage with a woman I did not 
like, and whom I quickly learned to hate ! 

Dai. — I do not understand how there could have been 
published a notice of my marriage. 

Reg. — I do, I see it all ! You haol left Collinsville and 
were off — no one knew where — alone, friendless, without 
means. Those who sought to injure you ran little risk. It 
maddens me to think how that woman has played upon my 
jealous passion, my violent temper, my weak credulity. 
But this will never do. You and I cannot play at Platonics, 
Daisy; we will not tamper with the Attic Bee's poisoned 
honey. I will leave here as soon as possible. 

Dai. — Until a few minutes ago, I did not know that you 
were even an acquaintance of Mrs. Sniffen's. I wanted to 
leave here so soon as I heard that you were coming, but she 
would not consent. 

Reg. — O Heaven! what a fool I have been! There is 
nothing left me now but despair ! And you, my poor child, 
what will become of you ? 



63 

Dai. — I shall be happier than if we had not met, Kex, for 
now I know that you have forgiven me. 

Reg. — Ay, but can I ever forgive myself, Daisy ? To my 
dying day I shall hate myself for the rage that would not let 
me listen to your tearful pleadings, even when I was longing 
to clasp you in my arms and pardon all. 

Dai. — Why, why did you never let me know ? 

Reg. — I was about to seek you out when the news of your 
marriage was brought to me ! 

Dai. — I wrote to you, Rex, many times ; but no answer 
ever came. 

Reg. — No letter of yours ever reached me, Daisy. 

Dai. — Alas! explanations are worse than useless now. 
We must speak to each other no more while you remain 
here; I cannot bear it. [Extending her hand] I thank 
you that you have restored to me my happy past, my trea- 
sure-trove, all that I have rescued from the shipwreck of my 
life : I must not forget that the rest is hers, present and 
future. This is good-by, Rex ; for the rest of our lives we 
must be as strangers. 

{Enter Nina (b. d.).] 

Reg.— [Kissing Daisy's hand] This is good-by, Daisy. 
For the rest of my days I shall be a wanderer on the earth 
— homeless and alone. 

Nina (d. c). — So you're resuming your acquaintance with 
my husband, Miss Lorimer? I remember that you and he 
were great friends at "The Oaks." I was surprised to hear 
that you were here as a governess. I had an impression 
that you were married. Ah ! life is full of sad changes, 
Miss Lorimer, and I fear that you have had more than your 
share of trouble. 

Dai. (u. c.)— I try to support my misfortunes with dignity, 
Mrs. Erly, and am no mendicant for pity. 

Ni. — You're looking very much out of health, I'm sure. 
By the way, Mrs. Sniff en was inquiring for you. 



64 

[Exit Daisy through c. a. to n.] 

Eeg. — You carry it with a high hand, madam. How 
dared you to step between me and the girl I loved with your 
lies and machinations ? 

Ni. — How ridiculous you are, Hex. Why don't you learn 
to control your abominable temper ? 

Eeg. — Now I see it all — the intercepted letters, the false 
report of Miss Lorimer's marriage — all your shameless 
scheming ! 

Ni. — So you and Miss Lorimer have been improving the 
time by raking up imaginary grievances. Your suspicions 
are absurd, of course. 

Reg. — I shall not remain here a moment longer than 
necessary, you may depend on that. You and I must live 
widely separated in the future. 

Ni. — Is there any need of creating a scandal ? Mrs. Snif- 
f en is an odious old gossip, and we may as well be careful 
how we indulge in recriminations here. 

Reg. — You need not be alarmed. I shall do nothing to 
.create scandal. [Exit through c. a. to l.] 

Ni. — Impracticable fool! What cursed fate has brought 
us in collision with Daisy Lorimer just at this time ? I can- 
not see what the end will be. 

[Enter Romeo (r. d.).] 

Romeo (d. c.) — [Bowing profoundly] Youse mos' obstrep- 
erous sarvant, missis. 

Ni. — What do you want ? 

Rom. — Spects you'se Mrs. Reginald Erly ob de " Oaks ? " 

Ni. — I am. 

Rom. — Perzactly so, missis. Den dar's a mos' curus 
gembleorum respiring for you. 

[Enter Professor Crowell, e. d.] 

Prof. C. (d. c). — I followed the nigger because I wanted 
to find you without delay, Mrs. Erly. 

Rom.— [Aside'] Nigger ! Laws sakes a massy, how vulga'. 
[Exit r. d.] 



65 

Peof. C. — [Peering about] Are we alone, dear and 
honored lady? 

Ni. — Entirely so — speak ! Is it as I hope ? For two years 
I have been stretched upon the rack of suspense. 

Peof. C. — You remember our little agreement, dear 
madam, and are ready to fulfil its terms ? 

Ni. — Yes, yes, and now speak. Is Voltaire Darwin dead, 
and have you proof of it ? 

Peof. 0. — I have no doubt that he has been tenderly 
wafted to the Summer Land, dear lady. 

Ni. — But the proofs ! You were not with him when he 
died? 

Peof. C. — No ; but the possibility of his living was limit- 
ed to a very few hours when he managed to escape from our 
lodging, and I fled the country for fear of arrest and investi- 
gation. 

Ni. — Where were you when you lost sight of him ? 

Peof. C. — In Prague. I waited at New York two weeks 
to hear news of his death. Words cannot express the anxi- 
ety I endured. But here is the item that set my mind at 
ease. [Reads from a newspaper] "The decease of the 
celebrated Medium Darwin is reported by cable. He died at 
the Hotel Dieu, Prague, on the third of September." 
[Shaking his head] Must have been treated for arsenical 
poisoniug to have survived so long. 

Ni. — Give me the paper, I must read it for mvself. [At 
table e. , appears to read ] 

[Peofessoe C. crosses to portrait l., and appears to study 
it.] 

Peof. C. — [Aside] Dress of a Confederate officer; Gen- 
eral's epaulettes ; long, gray beard ; a sabre-cut over the 
right eye : iron-gray hair! (d. c.) Write it upon the tablets 
of thy memory, Confucius, my little child. 

[Enter Komeo, e. d.] 

Rom. (e. tj. c). — A permiskus individ'al ob eider sect is 



promanding an ordinance wid Missis Eeginald Erly, ob 
de " Oaks." 

{Enter De. Mann e. d.] 

De. M.— [Whisking Komeo out of the room, e. d.] Out, 
Erebus, I can announce myself! 

Peof. C. — Dr. Mann, by all that is wonderful! 

De. M. — Professor Crowell, by all that is abominable ! 

Ni. — [Starting'] "With what motive have you sought me 
out, Frederica ? 

De. M. — That's a hospitable greeting, and after the chase 
I have had to find you ! When I reached " The Oaks " you 
had flitted, and I followed on here post-haste. So you're 
Mrs. Reginald Erly now ! How's your husband, poor devil ? 
Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Ni. — I shall regard this as a most unwarrantable intrusion, 
if you cannot explain your business here, Frederica ! 

De. M. — Hoity-toity, not so fast! I have business, of, 
course, or I shouldn't have undertaken a long, expensive 
journey. [ With handkerchief to h'er eyes] You see I've 
just heard of poor Voltaire's death, and as I'm sole executor 
of the will he made before leaving America, I need a signa- 
ture or two. [Sobbing] I suppose Crowell can give me the 
particulars of his death ? 

, Peof. C. — [With handkerchief to his eyes] Alas ! my good 
Dr. Mann, I was not with my beloved friend at the hour of 
his translation. 

[Enter Reginald and Mes. Sniffen, followed by Romeo 
{who remains e. u. c.) through c. a.] 

Mes. S. — [To Reginald] What strange-looking people! 
(d. c.) This naughty, naughty husband of yours threatens 
to leave us, my dear Mrs. Erly. 

Ni. — Yes, Rex is called away on important business ; but 
I trust he will soon be able to rejoin us. 

Reg. — [Bowing] I have already promised our kind hostess 
to return as soon as I can see my way to doing so. [Cross- 
es r., and seats himself.] 



Mks. S. — [Aside'] They fancy they can deceive me — as if I 
'didn't know there'd been a scene, and about Miss Lorinier. 
[Aloud] You have visitors, nry dear Mrs. Erly. 

Ni.^Dr. Frederica Mann and Professor Crowell, Mrs. 
Sniffen. They had business with ine, and have followed 
me from " The Oaks." 

Mks. S. — I am delighted to see them ; it is proverbial that 
our Southern hospitality is ever ready to extend the open 
arms of welcome, and I'm sure it's a beautiful sentiment. I 
should like to have you remain as my guests. [Aside] It's 
the only way in which I can find out their business here. 

Prof. C. — [Bowing profoundly] I accept the invitation as 
frankly as it is given, dear and beloved lady ; and may you 
Und that in welcoming the stranger guest, you are entertain- 
ing angels unawares. I and my exalted Medicine Band have 
•often brought down great blessings on the roof that bade us 
welcome. 

Mks. S. — You are accompanied by friends, you say ? 

Prof. 0. — Spirit attendants, ma'am ! I trust you are not 
one of those who fancy that the Souls of the Departed are 
bottled up and hermetically sealed. Why, at this very 
moment, ma'am, you yourself are surrounded by an unusual- 
ly large Guardian Band ! One Spirit is particularly promi- 
nent. He wears the uniform of a Confederate General ; his 
beard is long and white, his hair iron-gray, there is the, scar 
of a sabre cut over his right eye ; his arm, dear lady, is 
extended about you protectingly. 

Mrs. S. — [With handkerchief to her eyes] This is very 
affecting, Professor, for you have exactly described my late 
husband — General Ernest Sniffen. 

Prof. C. — [Aside] A rich widow and fool — here's a chance. 
[Aloud] Weep not, beloved saint, but rather be ecstatic and 
rejoice, for it is only by soaring on the wings of the inspira- 
tional that we can ever hope to pierce the impenetrable. 

Mrs. S. — That's a beautiful sentiment ! 



{Enter Judge and Ellen through a. from l.] 

El. (l. u. c.) — La ! the old boy himself, and the self- 
made man again. 

Mrs. S. — I hope you will decide to remain also, Dr. 
Mann ; we entertain the most distinguished families of our 
neighborhood this evening. 

Dr. M. — I shall admire to do so ; my baggage, with even- 
ing dress, is at the village tavern. 

Mrs. S. (u. c.) — It shall be sent for at once. Romeo, 
bring Professor Crowell's valiaes to the oak chamber and then 
go for Dr. Mann's baggage. [Exit (l. d.) followed by Romeo 
carrying valises.'] 

Judge (d. g.) — This is a most extraordinary intrusion. I 
believe I made it quite clear to Dr. Mann, some two years ago, 
that I desired no further intercourse with her for myself nor 
my family. 

Dr. M. — Very likely you did, Judge Erly ; but all that's, 
forgotten and forgiven long ago. 

Judge. — [Aside] A very objectionable female. 

Prof. C. — [Shaking Judge's hand violently] Have you no 
welcome for an humble Servant of the Spheres, Judge Erly, 
your old-time friend, adviser, confidant ? 

Judge. — Humph ! Rex might kick you out now, and I 
shouldn't object. 

Reg. — But I make it a rule never to interfere with Mrs. 
Reginald Erly's guests, my dear uncle. 

Ni. (u. c.) — Professor Crowell and Dr. Mann are no guests 
of mine, and if my wishes are to decide the matter, they will 
leave this house at once. [Exit (l. d.).] 

Dr. M. — [Fanning herself] Pheugh! Cool and breezy! 

Prof. C. — [Pointing to Judge Erly] But what has caused 
this falling from grace, my beloved hearers ? Let us reason 
together. Has Judge Erly been faithful to that Angel Bride 
to whom he was united in marriage by the Spirit of the Ex- 
Rev. Dr. Windmere Rush ? Does he continue to consult 



69 

her through the inspired Sister Tapping of Kevelation 
Yale? 

El. — Indeed, be doesn't ! It's as much as he can do to 
attend to the wishes of his lawful wife — ain't it, lovey ? 

Judge. — Humph! I've had enough of consulting spirits. 
It's the regret of my life that I ever meddled with your 
cursed little planchette. 

De. M. — Ha! ha! ha! I see it all — an excellent joke! 
You made a very "natural selection "—up and married a 
girl because she was a medium — and now it's a "struggle 
for life " and a waiting for the "survival of the fittest." 

Judge. — If you don't want to be made to hold your 
tongue, Dr. Mann 

Dk. M. — Ha! ha ! ha! Let's all keep our tempers! One 
of the little jokes I must have, you know. 

Judge. — I thank Science, Professor Crowell, that I have 
progressed beyond belief in the spiritual, and am no longer 
to be duped by an impostor and a trickster. My investiga- 
tions have led me to the Agnostic School of Evolution 
and 

El. — Now don't begin your monkey talk, Judge ; nobody 
wants to hear it. I'm sure I, for one, ain't related to Apes 
and Baboons, leastways except by marriage. [Seats herself 
beside Reginald.] 

Judge. — As Mrs. Eeginald Erly has explicitly disclaimed 
all responsibility in this intrusion, Professor Crowell, it is 
my duty to demand your business here. 

Pbof. C. — It is already transacted, my good sir. At pres- 
ent I am in this house as Mrs. Sniffen's invited guest. 

Judge — Humph ! the deuce ! But she doesn't know your 
xeal character, sir, and 

Pbof. C. — Permit me to say that you labor under a simi- 
lar disadvantage yourself, Judge Erly. Your cruel suspi- 
ciousness causes me the deepest pain, and casts an imputation 
upon my honor. But insult and misapprehension are ever 



70 

the portion of those who walk in the Vanguard of Truth.. 
During the past two years I have devoted myself to the- 
development of Spiritualism on a scientific basis. I am now 
engaged in photographing the human breath in the act of 
speaking, and my Controls assure me my experiments will 
soon succeed. 

Judge. — Stuff and nonsense ! 

Peof. C. — What did you say, sir ? 

Judge. — [ Very loud] I said Stuff and Nonsense ! 

Peof. C. — I regret to hear you say so, sir. Your scorn is 
owing to an imperfect comprehension of the far-reaching 
consequences of the idees I am seeking to develop. With- 
out vanity, I may say that I regard my labors of the past two- 
years as of most momentous importance to the human race. 
I have perfected the Telephone so that Spirits are now able 
to avail themselves of it for communion. 

Judge. — Bosh and humbug ! 

Peof. C. — I have arranged with Edison — the greatest 
inventor of this or any other age, who, developing the idea 
. that the Universe is teeming with Voices, has taught us how 
they may be bottled up and uncorked at pleasure — I have 
arranged with him, I say, to secure the best pulpit efforts of 
celebrated Divines and box them up in Phonographs, when 
I propose making a tour of these United States, teaching the 
priest-ridden people how they may run their Meeting 
Houses bv Phonograph. 

De. M. — Ha ! ha ! ha ! You'll be tarred and feathered by 
a mob of the infuriated clergy, Confucius. 

{Enter Mes. Sniffen (l. d.).] 

Peof. C. — I have also invented a wonderful School Plan 
to aid in the cause of Universal Education at a Small Cost ! 
My petition is before the Massachusetts Legislature for 
permission to introduce it in Boston at the public expense. 
I propose, my beloved hearers, to erect an immense building,, 
to be lighted and ventilated from above. Its outer walls 



71 

will be adorned with lines of elevators, fife-escapes, and 
entrances, while its inner ones will be honey-combed, so to 
speak, with tier above tier of cells to be entered from the 
rear. This will insure each child's being separated from his 
or her mates, while open to the vigilant eye of a General 
Inspector. These cells will be lined, with zinc, and an elec- 
tric attachment will enable the person in charge to send a 
severe shock to any refractory pupil at a moment's notice. 
Orders and signals can be shouted by the Areophone ; out- 
side instructions delivered by the Telephone ; foreign 
languages taught with absolute perfection of accent by an 
immense Phonograph run by clock-work and furnished with 
electro-plated cylinders. Confusion will be avoided by the 
children reciting into the mouth-pieces of Phonographs. I 
see it in my mind's eye — Confucius Crowell's Bee-Hive 
School ! the Wonder of the Century ! the Pride of Posterity ! 
the Triumph of Mechanism! [Wiping his brow] My cere- 
bral tissue abounds in idees enough to revolutionize this 
globe, my beloved hearers, and it is no wonder that the 
human intellect totters before the possibilities involved in 
these stupendous modern discoveries. 

Dr. M. — Ha! ha! ha! Your ''Bee-Hive School " might 
furnish hints for a penal institute, Confucius. 

Mrs. S. — To me it seems a wonderful plan, founded on 
gre it originality and learning. — Would you include the Bible 
in your plan of instruction. Professor Crowell ? I never 
approved of ruling it out. You see I am a woman of great 
religious sentiment. 

Prof. C. — The Bible, ma'am ? Certainly. And not only 
should the Bible be taught, but also the Talmud, the Koran, 
the Cabala, the Hermes, the Baghavat-Gheeta. the Precepts 
of Confucius, the Zend Avesta of Zoroaster, Spiritualism, 
and Swedenborgianism ! 

Dr. M. — Nonsense, Confucius ; all this might be worth 
while, if a frog with half a brain hadu't destroyed belief in 
the supernatural. The coming child will be taught Baine, 



72 

Beale, Huxley, Tyndall, Spencer, Mill, Darwin, and the rest 
of 'em. 

Prof. C. — What avails the learned ignorance of the 
foolish, Dr. Mann ? Let us reason together. [Sinks doion 
on sofa, c] 

Mes. S. — You are suffering, I fear, Professor. 

Prof. O. — It is but momentary, dear and honored madam ; 
mere nervous exhaustion, caused by over-exertion. For the 
past few weeks, my beloved hearers, I have buried myself 
both night and day in my laboratory, putting in tangible 
form the last and greatest of my discoveries. By an earn- 
est study of the life-giving principle and chemical properties 
inherent in food, I have discovered the essential pabulum, 
and invented a pill which will do away with the necessity for 
eating. 

{Enter Daisy and Angelica liand in hand.] 

Judge. — Cursed humbug ! Would you rob us of the 
pleasures of the table, you rascal ? 

Dr. M. — Reversing the spell of Circe and converting hogs 
into men. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Excuse me, Judge — I must have 
my little jokes. 

Prof. C. — [Starting up] My invention is meant as a 
boon to the poor and middle classes, Judge Erly, to whom 
the money and time spent in the purchase, preparation, and 
consumption of food are felt to be burdensome. A few of 
" Crowell's Patent Vitalizing Capsules," swallowed daily, 
will do away with any necessity for food consumption. The 
sesthetical development of the palate will then become a 
luxury of the rich. 

Mrs. S. — That's a beautiful sentiment. Eating would then 
lose its vulgarity and become a class privilege. I fear I am 
foolishly aristocratic in my feelings, Professor. 

Prof. C. — Quite natural, dear and honored lady, it's the 
cry of blood ! 

Judge. — Why, here is Miss Lorimer. [Shaking hands 



73 

(l. u. c.)] I'm delighted to see you, my dear. (d. c.) You were 
a great favorite with the first Mrs. Erly. 

El. — [Advancing and shaking hands] La ! And so she is 
with the second, for the matter of that. 

Judge. — Dear, departed Saint, what a partner 1 lost in 
her ! Ah ! there are sad changes in this life ! I regret to 
find you filling so onerous a position as that of a governess, 
my dear. 

Keg. — [Aside] It is maddening to see her in such a posi- 
tion. 

Mes. S. — The office is a mere sinecure in our dear Miss 
Lorimer's case, for Angelica Celestia is her only pupil, and 
the dear child has a temper woven of sunbeams. Come 
hither, my bud of promise, and greet your guardian. 

Angelica Celestia (l. u. c). — [Sulkily] I shan't do it, 
ma ; I don't care to be made a fool of. 

Mes. S. — Young men are so apt to judge of what the 
daughters will become by what the mothers are, that I have 
fe'.t it to be my duty to preserve my beauty as much as 
possible, my dear Judge. 

Judge. — Poor Angelica Celestia ! 

[Daisy and Ang. Cel. seat themselves l.] 

Mes. S. — I make Mrs. Paragon, who is a mummy at forty, 
furiously jealous by my youthful looks. She says scandalous 
things, but I enjoy it, for it gives me an opportunity to love 
and forgive my enemies, and that's a beautiful sentiment. 

Ang. Cel. — I wish there was no such thing in the world as 
a sentiment. 

Mes. S.— That child is so sprightly — all Vanderwhacker, 
no Sniffen traits. Both of the children inherit my poetic 
temperament, Judge. Angelica Celestia composed poetry at 
the early age of eleven. 

Ang. Cel. — I beg pardon, ma ; I did nothing of the sort. 
Compose poetry, indeed ! I'm not such a fool. 

Mes. S. — [Apart] Miss Lorimer, pray remember that 
Angelica Celestia is in your charge. 



74 

Dai. — [Apart] Pray be careful, my dear. 

Mrs. S. — [To Da. Mann] Miss Lorimer is sadly lacking in 
influence and tact. 

Da. M. — That mother-pampered little cub of yours is 
spoiling for a spanking. 

Mrs. S. — A spanking ! What a horrid, coarse sentiment ! 

Dr. M. — To be sure, aa old-fashioned, orthodox spanking ; 
and I'll off with my slipper and give her one for two pence ! 

Prop. C. — Dr. Mann is joking, Mrs. Sniffen ; we hadn't 
ought to clip the wings of youthful genius, but let young 
pinions soar. 

Mrs. S. — Dr. Mann knows nothing of a mother's heart! 

Dr. M. — The hearts are all pretty much alike when they 
come to my dissecting table. 

Mrs. S. — What a horrible sentiment ! 

El. — [Rising'] I say, Judge, I want a walk about the 
grounds. 

Judge. — You forget my fatigue, my dear. 

El. — Oh, nonsense, come along! 

Judge. — Because I am one of that sort of people who 
never complain 

El. — 'Twouldn't make any difference if you wasn't; I'd 
never listen to people's aches and pains. Come on, Dr. 
Mann, I want you to help me look after the Judge. 

Judge. — [Aside] Heartless woman! I've never enjoyed 
a day's sickness since I married her. 

El. — Your arm, my dear. 

Dr. M. — Aud lend me the other wing. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

[Exeunt Judge, Ellen, and Dr. M. through c. a. to l.] 

Mrs. S. — Let me introduce you to the beauties of " Mag- 
nolia," Professor Crowell. [u. c. on Professor's arm.] 
Miss Lorimer, pray bear in mind that this is the hour for 
Angelica Celestia's French. 

A. C. — I shan't take a French lesson to-day, ma — so there 
now. 



75 

Dai. — Oh, yes, dear ! I have a beautiful story for you to 
read. 

Mrs. S. — {Aside] No tact ! no influence! 

Dai. — [ With excitement] It is true ! I seem to have no 
influence ! If it is my fault 

Keg. — [Aside] This is unbearable ! 

Mrs. S. — [ J 7 *? Professor] Oversensitiveness is an odious 
trait in companions and governesses. 

[Exeunt Prof, and Mrs. S. through c. a. to l.] 

A. G. — Don't feel badly, Miss Lorimer ; I'll take my les- 
son. Ma knows you're the only governess ever had the 
spunk to stay here six months, and that if she changed a 
hundred times, I'd never mind any one else any better. 
[ Winds her arm about Daisy.] 

Dai. — Then why do you behave so, my dear Angelica ? 

A. C. (it. c.) — Oh, because ma's such a fool. 

Dai. — I'm sure it's very wrong for you to speak so of your 
mother. 

[Exeunt Daisy and A. C. through o. a. to l.] 

Beg. — How can I bear it to see her so shamefully treated? 
Fool, madman, that I have been ; I am tied hand and foot. 
[Exit L. D.] 

Curtain. 



76 



ACT V. 

Scene. — Same as Act IV. Table cleared and a cover upon 
it. Silver pitcher and goblets conveniently placed. 

[Enter Dr. Mann, dragging Komeo.] 

Dr. M. (c.) — So I've caught you stealing from your mis- 
tress, eh, you black rascal ? 

Romeo. — Spects you has, missis ! Truf is, I has to gib my 
sweetheart presents same as the quality folks, and Missus 
Sniffen done pay mighty small wages. Certain reprobations 
revolve upon me as a frecdman and a gembleorum and dis- 
appearances has to be kep' up. [Snatches Dr. Mann's hand- 
kerchief7\ 

Dr. Mann. — Call yourself a gentleman, eh? 

Romeo. — Parzactly so, misses. 1'se a man, and a brudder 
under de Proclamation of Dependence and de Fifteenth Com- 
mandment. 

Dr. M. — Well, well, steal from Mrs. Sniff en every hour in 
the day, for what I care, Romeo ; that was only a little joke of 
mine. [Recovering her handkerchief^ I never mind people's 
little whims unless they interfere with me ; but, remember, 
you'll get into trouble if you meddle with my belongings. 
I'm a constable of the peace and a private detective, do you 
understand ? 

Rom. — Laws, missis ! I'll neber touch nuffin ob yourn agin, 
true as I draws the breff of life, almighty. 

Dr. M. [Holding up a gold p>iece.~\ -Do you know a gold 
piece when you see it, Romeo ? 

Rom. — Laws ! missis, I spects des gwine fur to be common 
jiuff now, after dis presumption ob de silber bill. 



77 

De. M. — What use would you make of it, if it was yours 
Rom. — He ! he ! he ! missis, I spects I'd remit alimony 
and set up a-housekeeping. You see I'se powerful sweet 
on Albina, and I 'clar fur it she precipitates. Laws ! missis, 
when we'se togeder our two hearts beat de drum. 

De. M. — Obey my orders and it's yours. I want you to 
slip down to the lodge-gate, where you will find a gentleman 
awaiting a message from me. Say to him that Dr. Mann 
wants him to accompany you back to the house. Do you un- 
derstand ? 

Rom. — Laws ! yes, missus ! And I'll fotchhim, sure's my 
name's Romeo Vanderwhacker Sniffen ! 

De. M. [Holding out gold piece.'] — Then fly on the wings 
of love, you ebony angel, and earn your marriage dower ! 
[Exit Romeo (l. d.).] The iron is hot, and the time has 
come to strike a blow ! But here comes Mrs. Sniffen's 
"Royally Endowed" — I recognize him from his mother's 
description ! He's worth studying. [Steps behind screen.] 
One of the little jokes I must have. 

[Enter St. Elmo Sniffen through c. a. from n. Dr. Mann 
peers out now and then during the following, and mimics St. 
Elmo's movements. 

St. Elmo. — [Crossing e. and studying his appearance before 
mirror with absurd grimaces and botes'] Weally now, this 
suit is about the cowwect thing, and it can't fail to make a 
decided impression on Miss McStickey's heart! By Jove, 
my boy, you've done some execution in your day ! Oh, 
Sainty, Sainty, you sly, solemn dog, you have a deal to an- 
swer for! — What has that yellow bwute, Ganymede, put on 
my mouchoir? Wiolet instead of jockey-club, by Jove! 
Weally I'll bweat him for it. [Fastens the table cover to th* 
lowest round of a chair, steps up to it and bows profoundly^ 
May I have the pleasure, my dear Miss McStickey ? [ Waltzes 
around with the chair whistling. Sets it down and bows pro- 
foundly] Thanks, my dear Miss McStickey, you have done me 



78 

pwoud! [Replaces table cover] By Jove, Sainty, you can 
waltz with a girl and not step on her twain like some awk- 
ward fellahs ! Miss McStickey says that my bwains are in 
my heels, sweet compliment to my dancing, weally ! Chaw- 
ming girl, Miss McStickey, charming ! charming ! [Places 
chair on Us side, and fills two goblets with water and proceeds 
to jump back and forth over the chair holding the goblets ex- 
tended,] Full to the bwim and you didn't spill a dwop, my 
boy ! Now there's a steady hand, by Jove ! Aw ! Sainty, 
you can pass ice-cweam, and oysters, and such nonsense with- 
out making a muss of it like some awkward fellahs ! [Before 
mirror, liolding a curl and sniffing] Do I smell burnt hair ? 
I'll thwash Ganymede if he has singed my curls again, I will, 
by Jove ! [Draining on gloves] The cwurling irons are a con- 
founded nuisance ; but then what's a poet without his am- 
brosial curls? [Enter Judge Erly, e. d.] The ladies think 
a gweat deal of a poet, dear cweatures ! Aw ! Sainty, you 
f wascinator, there is no end of pwetty girls a-dying of love 
for you, and you can't make but one happy, you know, not 
likely ! 

Judge (l. c.) — Ahem! 

St. Elmo — [Starting] Aw ! I was just examining to see if 
my twoilet was all cowwect, you know. I look all wight, how 
do you look ? Aw ! that is, my dear sir, I mean of course, 
you look all wight, how do 1 look ? 

Judge. — Like the lineal descendant of a chimpanzee, 
Snifty, you need not go back on Evolution. 

St. E. — Aw ! weally, my dear Judge, you must excuse me, 
you know — some of the ladies will want to be escworted to 
the drawing-woom. [Exit through c. a. to k.] 

Judge. — [Looking after St. E.J There's a cerebral vacu- 
um of very large dimensions in that poor cranium. [Before 
the mirror] What a wreck I am ! It is pitiful to contem- 
plate. Alas ! time, grief, and my many infirmities are mak- 
ing sad ravages. These hollow cheeks, these sunken eyes, 



79 

this hectic flush, [coughs'] this hollow cough, might move the 
very stones to pity ! [Enter Ellen, l. d.] I made a precious 
fool of myself when I wedded a poor, friendless girl, expect- 
ing to win her love and gratitude. Ah, well! I have to 
thank that little demon Planchette for all my misery. 

Ellen. — [Tapping Judge with her fan] What are you 
doing, my dear ; admiring your beauty, eh? 

Judge. — [Starting] Ahem! — I was studying the ravages, 
Elaine. 

El. — Studying the ravages ! ha ! ha ! ha ! Come, that's 
a good joke ! To be sure your beauty has gone to seed, 
Judge, but you can't expect to look like a young man at 
sixty and odd, unless you've a mind to get your wrinkles 
painted up and have your countenance frescoed in flesh tints. 

Db. M. — [Stepping out] Ha ! ha ! ha ! you've found your 
match at last, Judge Erly. 

Judge. — Ma'am, you're the most audacious, pestiferous, 
and irrepressible female of my acquaintance. 

Dr. M. — Ha! ha! ha! let's all keep our tempers — you 
see I must have my little jokes. [ Walks about with her 
hands in her pocJdets, attracting universal attention.] 

[Music plays back, and couples promenade behind the arches.] 

Judge. — If I had a wife who was willing 10 pay me a little 
of her 

El. — Oh, nonsense, Judge, you know you said long ago 
you didn't want no more of my attentions ! 

Judge. — I'm not complaining, my dear. But it is a little 
hard, at my time of life, to be kept out of bed to see a par- 
cel of idiots get together at an hour when decent folks are 
in bed, and make a night of it grimacing and capering to ban- 
jos and fiddles. I never sleep a wink after such an affair. 

El. — La! Judge, take an ethiopiate and sleep as many 
winks as ever you like. [Enter St. Elmo and Nina through 

C. A.] 

St. Elmo. — By Jove, there's a gentlemanly little fellah, 
you know,! [Enter Reginald and Mrs. Sniffen.] 



80 

Ni. — That's the celel rated Dr. Mann — a strong-minded 
female from Boston. 

El. — A self-made man, Mr. Sniffen. 

St. El. — By Jove ! the very remark I was about to make, 
Mrs. Erly. 

Judge. — Your dress is attracting great attention, Dr. 
Mann. 

Dr. M. — [Whirling about \ So I flatter myself, Judge 
Erly. It's a very nobby affair, just made to my order by 
Worth, of Paris. [All group themselves about Dr. Mann.] 

Judge. — In my opinion, a virtuous young woman should 
be modest in her attire. 

Dr. M. — [Looking around at the others'] Very true, Judge 
Erly, very true. 1 always did think this stripping off of the 
neck and arms extremely indecorous and indelicate. 

St. E. — By Jove, that's just what I was about to remark ! 

Judge. — What the deuce, ma'am ! Do you mean to insult 
the company ? 

Dr. M. — Ha! ha! ha! Only one of my little jokes, man 
alive. 

El. — It's a Roland for an Oliver Cromwell, Judge. 

Mrs. S. — I thought ladies of the strong-minded order 
•affected indifference to fine dress. 

Dr. M. — And why, pray? Must a woman resign claim to 
taste in costume because she objects to dragging a lot 
of senseless drapery at her heels? I'm no slave to the 
mandates of Fashion, but I flatter myself that, in the matter 
of toilet, I can do credit to any drawing-room. It's a duty 
one owes to society, my dear Mrs. Sniffen. 

Mrs. S. — That's a very right sentiment, my dear Dr. 
Mann. 

St. E. — By Jove, you know, I admire your costume im- 
mensely, Dr. Mann ; but you ought to wear more jewelry. 

Dr. M. — But there isn't much jewelry to my taste, friend 
Sniffen. Necklaces, bracelets, and anklets are badges of the 



81 

former servile condition of rny sex ; bangles I resign to 
the ladies who love poodles, and then they'd better let the 
poodles wear 'em ; ear-rings are no better than nose-rings — 
to be sure, my amides were pierced when I was a baby ; 
but I have marked my disapproval of my mother's conduct 
in that affair by having her portrait painted without ears. 
You cannot fancy how odd it looks. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Judge. — Ma'am, you're outrageous. 

Dr. M. — Ha! ha! ha! Joking is a bad little habit of 
mine, Judge Erly. 

St. E. — By Jove, I was just about to remark that, Dr. 
Mann. 

Ni. — Dr. Mann has made it the study of her life to appear 
eccentric, and with tolerable success. [Moves on with St. 
Elmo.] 

[Enter Daisy and Angelica Celestia through c. a.] 

El.— La ! Judge, here comes Miss Lorimer, and 1 want 
a little talk with her. Just give your arm to Dr. Mann, and 
go promenade. 

Jcjdge. — With Dr. Mann, Elaine — are you crazy V 

Dr. M. — [Taking Judge's arni\ I won't poison you — 
come along ! It's one of the little jokes I must have. 
[Exeunt Judge and Dr. Mann. Reginald and Mrs. Snif- 
fen join pro?nenaders, Reginald afterwards taking Ids posi- 
tion l. u. c. ] 

El. — Wasn't you surprised to hear I had up and married 
the Judge, Miss Daisy ? 

Dai. — Indeed I was, and pained also, Ellen, for I heard of 
dear Mrs. Erly's death at the same time. 

El. — You must call me Elaine, my dear, the Judge won't 
hear to plain Ellen. I wanted to tell you that I've tried 
manj a time to find you, Miss Daisy ; but hearing you was 
married put me out. I'll be bound that snake in the grass, 
Nina Dare, had something to do with the spreading of the 
report. 



82 

Dai. — We won't discuss it, please. 

El. — Well, then we won't. But I wanted to tell you, Miss 
Daisy, that the poor dear mistress — ahem ! I mean of course 
the first Mr.-?. Erly — left you every bit of her china and other 
bricker-backa, and that I've packed 'em up where Nina Dare 
can't touch hide nor hair of 'em, to speak polite. Mrs. Erly 
must have been very fond of you. 

Dai. — Not more so than I was of her, Elaine. 

El. — She left you her lovely little gold and green model 
of the Leaning Tower of Babel, Miss Daisy, and the marb- 
lette of Clytie or Psyche— I muddle the names, — but the 
one that mxrried the Valentine Boy. — Judge says the story 
is in the Theology. 

Dai.— You mean the Psyche, Elaine 

El. — I dare say I do, my dear. I'm afraid I never open 
my mouth but I put my foot in it. You mustn't laugh at 
me, for though I've got nothing to do but polish myself up, 
learning ain't like burrs and don't stick. Me and Judge has 
has travelled all about, living on the fat of the land and dress- 
ing like queens, and I try to improve my advantages, but 
it's slow work. We was in New York six months putting up 
with the Neapolitan Hotel. I wish you could have seen it. 
It was ever so many floors high, but we didn't have to climb 
stairs, my dear. Oh, no, all we had to do was to sit in the 
ventilator and be histed up and down as it were. 

[Enter Prof, and Mrs. Sniffen arm-in-arm.'] 

Daisy. — Judge Erly seems to be in much better health 
than he used, Elaine. 

[Enter St. Elmo.] 

El. — He's well enough, my dear, too well, — I don't like to 
see old men over hearty. You see 1 broke him of his aches 
when once I'd married him. I just knocked his horrid little 
skullcap off, let in the fresh air, put anything that come to 
hand in his medicine glasses till I'd nearly poisoned him, 
and he came round amazing. 



83 

Prof. C. (d. c.) — There are very sweet and holy influences 
in the air to-night — I am strangely conscious of their stir- 
rings. 

St. E. — By Jove, you know, I was just about to remark 
the same thing. 

Mrs. S. — Have you forgotten that Angelica Celestia is in 
your charge, Miss Lorimer ? (u. c.) 

Dai. — [To Ellen] I must recall Angelica. 

El. — La ! here she comes now with Rex. 

[Ang. 0. comes d. c pulling Reginald rudely.] 

Dai. — My dear, your mother desires you to stay by me. 

[Reginald seats himself 'b.] 

St. E. — You're looking chawming this evening, Mrs . Erly, 
— weally ! "Won't you accept my arm for a pwomenade ? 

[Prof, and Mrs. Ssiffev, d. c] 

El. — La ! to be sure. I'm sick of the sight of that old 
corkscrew, unbottling his evil spirits. [Raises her train by 
a movement of her foot.'] 

[Ellen and St. Elmojow promeiiaders.~\ 

Prof. C. (r. c). — This is the soul's birthday of my beati- 
fied Aurelia, translated to the Summer-Land just seven 
years ago. 'Tis by her command that I wear flowers and 
dare rejoice. 

Mrs. S. — [ To Ang. Gel.] Ah! here you are, my bud of 
promise . 

[Dai. and Ang. Cel. seat themselves (l.).J 

Prof. C. — A very interesting child, madam. 

Mrs. S. — [Seating herself (c.)] Yes ; and strangely pre- 
cocious. I have always required her governesses to keep a 
little diary in order to record her bright and peculiar say- 
ings. 

Prof. C. — [Seating himself beside Mrs. S.] The idee does 
cradit to your head as well as to your heart. Natural tenden- 
cies are too little studied, dear and honored madam. Chil- 
dren should be phrenologically examined when young, by ex- 



84 

perts in craniology and physiognomies, and educated accord- 
ing to marked endowments, thereby avoiding wasted years 
of false education. 

Mrs. S. — That's a beautiful sentiment, Professor ; and I 
believe had my St. Elmo been thus studied, the world would 
have seen a truly great poet. He is looking radiant to- 
night, but I know that his heart is far from this gay scene. 
Ah ! they are ever lonely who stand upon the heights of art, 
my dear Professor. 

Prof. S.-- [Taking Mrs. Sniffen's hand] The royal en- 
dowments of your favored children justify your pride in 
them, dear and honored lady. Believe me, I understand it, 
for should not I be the happiest of men could these gifted 
young beings bring themselves to see in me a proud and 
tender parient ? 

Mrs. S. — What an absurd sentiment, my dear Professor. 
But hush ! — here comes Judge Erly. 

Prof. C. — A purse-proud Aristocrat, ma'am! — a Bloated, 
Bond-holding Rothschild ! 

Mrs. S. — I greatly fear so, my dear Professor. Ah ! his 
soul is not like mine which intuitively pays homage to the 
Aristocracy of Genius and Culture. 

Prof. C. — [Rising] That's a beautiful sentiment, ma'am. 
I will rejoin you presently. [Aside] Judge Erly would not 
smile on this courtship of mine. [Exit through a. to l.] 

Mrs. S. — I was speaking of my darling children, Judge. 
Do not they grow more like the Vanderwhackers every day, 
— no Sniffen traits ? 

Judge. — I agree with you, ma'am ; — the Sniff ens were 
sensible folks. 

Mrs. S. — As St. Elmo's guardian, I think it would give 
you pleasure to read the beautiful sonnet he has composed 
for McStickey's album, — Miss McStickey is the great heiressj 
whose father made such a fortune in mucilage. The senti- 
ment is exquisite. He compares her laughter to an Infant 



85 

Joy tumbling down a staircase of silver. Is not that fanci- 
ful and original ? 

Dr. M. — Ha ! ha ! ha ! It does conjure up a ludicrous 
image ! 

Mrs. S. — Ludicrous ? You do not comprehend the senti- 
ment. Dr. Mann. Pray, are you a judge of poetry ? 

Dr. M. — I should say so, ma'am ! I once wrote reams of 
it; but financially it was a failure (u. c). [Exit through 

0. A..] 

Mrs. S. — In my opinion, St. Elmo's verses have the senti- 
ment of Shelley, the melancholy of Keats, the fire of Byron ! 
My son has written for the very best magazines of the day. 

A. C. — [Between, Mrs. S. and Daisy] And always been re- 
jected, ma. 

Mrs. S. — [Apart] Miss Lorimer, pray remember that 
Angelica Oelestia is in you?' charge. 

Dai. — [ Apart] Pray, be silent, my dear. 

Mrs. S. — St. Elmo is in correspondence with all the lead- 
ing editors both North and South. 

A. C. — Who always write to say that his poems are not 
available, ma. 

Mrs. S. — [Sharply] As I was about to explain, Angelica 
Celestia. It is a well-known fact that editors and publishers 
are the worst possible judges of what is fine in literature. 
Let but your brother's poems see the light — and they shall, 
for I mean to have them published at my own expense — and 
his royal endowments will be recognized. St. Elmo's 
appeal is to the great human heart. 

[St. Elmo and Ellen approach.] 

A. C. —What stuff you do talk, ma. 

Mrs. S. — Angelica Celestia, it is all very well to be 
sprightly, but you certainly carry it too far. 

St. E. — By Jove, I was about to make the same remark, 
maw ! 

Mrs. S. — I wish you would exert some influence over An- 
gelica Celestia, Miss Lorimer. 



80 

[Daisy appears to expostulate with Ang. Cel.] 

St. E. — By Jove, maw, you ought to see that natty little 
Dr. Mann cast sheep's eyes at me. She's stwuck ! No use ! 
I couldn't think of a female doctaw, you know — not likely ! 

Mbs. S. — Charming, cruel boy. 

St. E. — Particularly with Mrs. Erly on my arm. 'T would 
be like comparing Hy-Hy-Hyperion to a Satire. 

Ang. Cel — Don't try to show off, Sainty. 

St. E. — And the pwetty little governess is fwantic with 
jealousy because I haven't noticed her this evening. 

Mrs. S. — St. Elmo is no flirt, my dear Judge ; but I some- 
times fear that his proud withdrawals are more dangerous to 
the susceptible than others' wooing arts. 

St. E. — I was about to remark something of that sort, 
maw — I was, by Jove! 

Ang. Cel. — St. Elmo makes a perfect donkey of himself, 
ma, and I should think you'd have the sense to see it. 

St. E. — By Jove, you howwid, wulga', little cweature ! 
Weally, maw, why don't you send Miss Pert to bed ? 

Mrs. S.— [Rising] Don't quarrel, my darling, darling 
children. A sister and a brother should be like two canaries 
perched on one perch, cooing to each other all the day long. 
[Apart] Miss Lorimer, I desire that Angelica Celestia 
shall retire. 

Keg. — [Aside] This is unendurable ! 

[Enter Pkofessoe and Nina.] 

Dai. — Let us go out on the veranda, my dear. 

Ang. Cel. — I shan't stir from this room, so there now! 

Mrs. S. — [Angrily] This is your doing, Miss Lorimer. 
Not content with incitiDg my child to covert impertinence, 
you now encourage her to open rebellion. 

Reg. — [Crossi?ig to l. and standing beside Daisy] Enough 
of this ! I cannot and will not endure it to see you so out- 
rageously treated, Daisy. I 

Dai. — Oh, hush ! pray hush ! Every word you speak only 
makes it worse for me. 



87 

Keg. — Too true ! rny interference can but in jure you. 
I 

Mks. S. — If mine was not a farcically confiding nature, I 
should have suspected something wrong ere this 

Ni. — Pray excuse my husband's mistaken zeal, Mrs. Snif- 
f en. He is an old and very inHmdte friend of Miss Lori- 
mer's, and it is quite natural he should take her par^. 

Mrs. S. — Miss Loiimer shall at once leave the shelter of 
my outraged roof. 

Judge. — [Mising] Silence, woman ! You shall not insult 
an innocent girl with impunity. 

[Enter YoijT aire Darwin, Dr. Mann, and Eomeo through 
c. a. ; Voltaire concealing himself behind a column.'] 

Mrs. S. — This disgraceful scene in Angelica Celestia's 
presence ! No consideration for her tender years, her inno- 
cent heart ! I shall faint ! 

J udge.— [Keeping her back with his outspread hand] Don't 
you do it, ma'am, or I'll let you fall flat ! 

Prof. C. — \ Springing to r. c/Mrs. Sniffen] On this side, 
dear madam — faint on this side. 

Ang. Cel. — [Clinging to Daisy] What a fool ma does 
make of herself. 

St. E. — Dy Jove, I was just about to make a remark to 
the same effect. 

Dai.— [Bewildered] What do they all mean? 

Reg. — They are a parcel of unfeding brutes! 

Dr. M. (d. a). — Hold your tongues here, every one of 
you ! It is time you all know that I am in this house for a 
purpose. I propose to arrest Confucius Crowell on a charge 
of attempt at murder. 

Ni.— [Aside] Great Heaven ! the bolt has fallen ! 

Mrs. S. —Professor Crowell charged with murder ! What 
a horrible thought ! Foolish, confiding woman that I have 
been. 

Prof. C. — Trust me, have faith, dear and beloved lady ! 



88 

My Innocence will soon shine forth like the Unsullied Sun 
to overwhelm with deserved shame the Rash Accuser. 

Mrs. S. — Go away, you horrid, horrid man ! Don't you 
touch me ! I can't endure the sight of you. 

Dr. M. — I also propose to arrest Nina Dare, known as 
Mrs. Reginald Erly, charged with being an accomplice of 
Confucius Crowell's. 

Ni.--This is an infamous plot to ruin me ! 

Reg. — Tt is my duty to protect Mrs. Reginald Erly from 
insult, so be careful how you bring a charge against her that 
you cannot sustain, Dr. Mann. 

Voltaire (d. c.) — This woman has no lawful claim upon 
you, Mr. Erly — she is my wife ! 

Ni. — Great Heaven ! Do the dead rise to accuse me ? 

Reg. — How? What? Your wife ! I do not understand. 

Dr. M. — Nina was this man's wife at the time of your 
father's death, Erly. 

Judge. — The devil she was ! Then she hasn't the shadow 
of a claim on the Erly name or property. 

Dr. M. — They were wedded when she was poor, and he a 
boy with prospects. The marriage was to have been kept 
quiet till after his consumptive father's death, but before 
that occurred they had quarrelled and separated. 

Vol. — I make my claim now in the name of vengeance ! I 
should never have troubled this evil woman on earth had she 
not put a paid assassin on my track to murder me. 

Reg. — Am I awaking from a long, hideous dream? [Clasp- 
ing Daisy] Do you realize what they are saying, Daisy ? I 
bio. free, free in all justice and honor. 

Ni. — T fly from here ; but I leave with you, one and all, my 
undying curse ! 

Dr. M. — That chickeu will roost at home ! — You're a 
prisoner and cannot leave this room. Guard the entrance, 
Romeo. [Niva sinks down on chair (r.) with a o 
ture.~\ 



El. — La! I should think she'd have felt as if the sword of 
Pericles was hanging over her head all this time. 

St. E. — By Jove, I was just about to make the same re- 
mark, you know, I was, 'pon honor ! 

Prof. C. — Be not rash to accuse, and quick to believe evil 
of your old-time companion and guide, my beloved Voltaire. 
Consult your Spirit Friends, and they will assure you of my 
stainless innocence. 

Vol. — You can deceive me no longer, Confucius Crowell. 
I had begun to suspect you of basely imitating the phenomena 
common at genuine seances for your own gains, when Fred- 
erica Mann discovered your deeper crime and saved my life. 

Prof. C. — Frederica Mann believes that because I'm not 
a Bloated Aristocrat or a Bond-holding Kothschild. I'm a 
man who may be insulted with impunity. 

Dr. M. — Look here, Confucius! Do you remember the 
crippled hall-boy in your hotel at Prague, and your once re- 
marking to him that he reminded of some one you had 
known ? 

Prof. C. — [Aside] I'm undone ! 

Dr. M. — Oh, I can disguise myself so that my own mother 
wouldn't know me ! This villain administered a dose of 
arsenic to his friend and benefactor, good folks, and then 
left him alone to die the death of a rat. I found Voltaire 
suffering from faintness and syncope— saved his life with a 
dose of sulphate of zinc — carted him off to the nearest hos- 
pital, circulated a false report of his death, and then came 
on here to spring this trap on Confucius Crowell and Nina 
Dare ! I can prove all I've stated, for I'm armed with mar- 
riage certificates, medical reports, affidavits, warrants, and 
plenty more paper amunition. [Flings down a roll of papers. ~\ 

Prof. C— [With wild gesticulation'] O Demon Diakkas, I 
defy and execrate your evil power, conscious that my Angel 
Band will quickly deliver me from your clutches. 

Mrs. S.— Professor Crowell may be a madman. 



90 

Dr. M. — If so, he has made a great success of it finan- 
cially. 

El. — I say you've did nobly, Dr. Mann, a sticking to that 
poor molly-coddle through thick and thin, I for one think 
it beautiful, to see a regular David and Goliath friendship 
in these nineteenth century days. 

St. E. —That's just what I was about to remark, by Jove ! 

Judge. — [Shaking hands] You're a deuced smart woman, 
ma'am, and an honor to any sex. 

Dr. M. — And now we must obtain a divorce for poor Vol- 
taire, after which I shall take him in charge. I never could 
see that there was any immodesty or impropriety in a wo- 
man's proposing marriage to the man of her heart. 

Mrs. S. — What a horrid sentiment ! 

Dr. M. — [Taking Voltaire's hand] So, my darling, if 
you will at last accept my love 

Vol. — I married once without the knowledge or consent 
of my parents, Frederica, but 

Dr. M. — Never fear, love, I'll get your mother's consent 
this time. She's a sensible woman, and knows that you're 
greatly in need of some one to look after you. 

St. E. — By Jove, I was just about to make the same 
remark ! It struck me, weally ! 

Prof. C. — Beloved friends, let us be ecstatic, and rejoice- 
Let us spread our wings and fly away ! I soar after the 
Infinite ! I dive after the Unfathomable ! I wave shadowy 
arms towards the Illimitable ! [ Waves arms wildly.] 

Dr. M. — [Grasping his hands behind and putting on hand- 
cuffs] Come, come, Confucious, the lunacy dodge won't 
save you this time! Let no one interfere! I constitute 
myself special constable for the occasion, and arrest Confu- 
cius Crowell in the name of the Law ! 

St. E. — Aw ! weally ! what a plucky little Mlah, you 
know. 

Ang. Cel. — [Mimicking St. E.'s manner] As \ was just 
about to remark, Sainty, by Jove ! 



91 

Pbof. C. — The power of the dark Diakkas triumphs for a 
time, and the influence of my Angel Band is temporarily- 
weakened! Yet am I not dismayed. Again, and yet again 
have I been supernaturally rescued from the machinations 
of the Evil. Spirit Bride Aurelia, my Beatified, my Beau- 
tiful, I behold thee ! About thy Angel head there shines a 
a halo of light and I read in character of fire — " The Truth 
is Dawning." Beloved hearers, I am ecstatic and I dare 
rejoice, conscious that my Innocence will soon shine forth 
like the Unsullied Sun to overwhelm with deserved shame 
the Rash Accuser. 

Tableau. 

Guests in background. Nina at table, e. Romeo, b. d. 

Pbofessoe. De. Mann. 

Judge. Mes. Sniffen. Voltaiee. Reginald. 

St. Elmo. Ellen. Daisy. Ang. Cel. 

e. l. 

The End. 



